Do we avoid it?

Do we pretend it doesn’t exist?

Do we meet the object of our fear and start running in the other direction?

Or do we face it head-on? 

A lot of us, including myself, run from the things that scare us. But how does that serve us? How does that help us grow?

After powering through my fair share of challenging situations and scary decisions, I’ve noticed a pattern. While it might be much easier to sit back and not push myself, it’s also much more boring and unsatisfying than putting yourself out there, taking risks, and discovering the world and yourself.

Personally, I’ve found that the things that scared me the most have actually been the best things I ever could have done for myself, and I’m sure that if you start to do the same, you’ll notice it, too. 

The first scenario that comes to mind, when I think of things that scared me, is moving to college.

I was the only one from my high school to go to my university, and the prospect of moving far from home without knowing anyone terrified me. What if I never made friends? What if I didn’t like the school or the program? The possibilities were endless but in the most negative way possible.

A few weeks later, I was having the time of my life. I fell into an amazing group of friends almost immediately and I thrived in my program. My confidence grew, I started to come into my own, and the experiences I had there set me up to lead the life I live today – and for that, I will be forever grateful.

Fast forward a year and a half and I was challenged again. I was offered the opportunity to study abroad in Prague. As a fresh-eyed 19-year-old who had never been out of the country, this idea excited me and scared me at the same time. I almost backed out on the day I was supposed to leave. The fact that I was flying with my roommate was the only thing that kept me moving forward. The semester I spent in Prague ended up being such an eye-opening experience that I have now lived here as a working adult for three years. Again, something that terrified me ended up being a positive, impactful experience that helped to shape who I am today. 

After these two experiences, it has become easier for me to cope with fear because now I know everything will be okay. Maybe it won’t always be awesome, but it will most definitely be okay.

I am now fully convinced that as a rule, the things that scare you the most will be the best experiences of your life, if you only have the courage to go through with them. This is why I started saying yes more and more often to things that my first instinct was to shy away from. 

When I was nominated for a leadership position in school, my first instinct was to withdraw, but I pushed myself to run. I ended up being elected to the position. I learned a lot and really enjoyed it. When I was scared to make the leap and move to Prague, I knew it was going to be one of the best experiences in my life even though I was terrified of it. 

Most recently, I was invited on a trip to the Philippines. I’ve been gallivanting across North America and Europe on my own since I was 19, but Asia seemed like a whole new ball game. Between the disease-carrying bugs and the safety concerns, there were so many times when I thought, “it’ll probably be fun but it would be easier if I just stayed in Prague.” But I caught myself. I knew I was thinking of the easiest option (staying at home) only because I was scared. Luckily, I know myself well enough to catch these thought patterns and keep them from sabotaging me. And what do you know? This trip to the Philippines is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself and was exactly what I needed.

Was I terrified at first? Of course. Was the initial agony of pushing through the fear worth it? Absolutely. 

Throughout my experience, a few things have stayed constant.

First, the anticipation of the event that scares you is always worse than the actual event. Being in the Philippines only seemed scary until I was actually in the Philippines. Your mind makes things bigger than they are.

Second, saying yes is the hardest part. Once the decision to face your fear is made and there’s no turning back, everything gets easier because, in some way, control has been taken from your hands. There’s nowhere to go but forward, and all you have to do is accept that.

And lastly, it’s likely that saying yes to whatever scares you will turn into one of the best experiences of your life. Not only will you be proud of yourself for facing your fear, but you’ll learn and grow in the process. Who knows, it could even change the course of your life for the better! 

These three constants are the main reasons why I now make a conscious effort to say yes to the things that scare me as often as possible.

Staying in my comfort zone is easy, but it gets monotonous after a while and it’s easy to get stuck in a rut and become unhappy. Getting out there and taking risks, that normally I would shy away from, keeps my life interesting and usually leads me to bigger and better places, things, and people. As they said in The Princess Diaries, “courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all.” 

The things that once terrified me are now some of the biggest sources of happiness in my life.

No risk, no reward, right? Try to keep that in mind the next time you’re confronted with a situation that you want to shy away from. You won’t regret it. 

You set your own work hours, you negotiate your own deadlines, and more often than not, freelance projects are a labor of love. People tend to freelance in fields that they’re passionate about, so these jobs are more fulfilling moneymakers. What a perfect setup! 

However, even though you’re your own boss, it’s not smooth sailing all the time. Some issues are ones you can solve on your own, like lack of motivation, being stuck in a rut, needing to adjust your workload, etc. These are things you have control over. 

But some issues are more complicated because there’s an unpredictable, free-floating radical in the mix: the client. Without clients, there is no freelance work. You could be the perfect freelancer: let’s say you never miss a deadline, they always love your final product, your pricing is fair, and you’re a great communicator.

Even with these great qualities and more, problems with clients can still crop up unexpectedly. 

So how do you keep clients happy while also staying true to yourself and your work? How can you set and keep reasonable boundaries for all parties?

The freelancer-client relationship can be a tricky one to navigate sometimes, but we’ve got some tips for all stages of the process.

The Beginning

The first-impression stage is how you set the tone of the relationship for both you and the client. You’ve come into contact and verbally (or in an unofficial form of written communication) agreed to work together. It’s safe to assume that in most cases, your goals are the same: both parties are hoping to like the final product and to like each other, and possibly even work together long-term if everything goes well. 

Entering a freelancer-client relationship also takes some trust on both sides. Neither of you wants to be taken advantage of, and the easiest way to make sure this doesn’t happen is to create a written agreement or contract outlining the work to be done, the timeline for the project, and the agreed-upon payment method, price, and deadline.

If it fits your project, you should also include in the agreement what will happen if your client sends the finished product back to you for edits. How many times can they send it back? How much will you charge for the extra work? 

If your client doesn’t want to sign a written agreement, be wary. This agreement will help if you need to take legal action for whatever reason down the road (for both you and your client), and if they don’t want to sign it, then they may not be planning on holding up their end of the deal.

Lastly, this doesn’t necessarily need to go into the contract, but if it makes you more comfortable, you can put it there: your working hours.

Some of us don’t plan our days hour by hour, and we jump between projects frequently, especially if we’re working for more than one client at a time – so don’t promise specific time availability if you don’t have it.

But you can at least tell them (preferably in writing) when you aren’t reachable. For example, if you don’t check emails or take work calls between the hours of 8 pm and 8 am, if you don’t work on Sundays, etc.

This will put it all out in the open at the beginning so hopefully, your client won’t be frantically calling at 11 pm, pushing you for edits to be done by 8 am the next morning. 

Just because you set your hours doesn’t mean you should be expected to drop other personal commitments and sacrifice your sleep and mental health to satisfy clients. Set your boundaries early, so it’s not a surprise if something comes up later. If they don’t like it, they can find a different freelancer.

The Middle of the Project

So, you’re doing the work you agreed to do. Hopefully, all this entails in regards to boundaries is enforcing the ones you’ve already set up at the beginning of the relationship. Still, unexpected things can happen.

Maybe you have a question or you need your client to send you more information or files – reach out and ask. If they don’t respond, keep asking and do as much as you can without it, so you’re not scrambling before the deadline.

If it’s essential, reach out again and let them know if they don’t send whatever it is by a certain date/time, you cannot continue without it. Always be clear and firm in your communication. 

If you find that a client is demanding unrealistic deadlines or requests, let them know that the timeline isn’t realistic and the reasons why. You can also point back to the terms you agreed on.

If they continue pushing or start threatening, tell them you are working on projects for other clients as well and that you need more time and suggest another date. Make sure you have that signed copy of the written agreement if your client tries to pull something shady.

Don’t let your client push you. Don’t give in on your boundaries because if you do, they will push you to do the same thing in the future. Stay firm in what you agreed upon, as this will either earn you respect or your client will go find someone else (which is fine because you no longer have to deal with the stress of them disrespecting your boundaries). 

The conclusion of the project

So you’re done with your work and you’re turning in the final product. Now what? Well, hopefully, it’s payday.

First, your client may decide to change something – which is okay as long as it’s within the parameters you set for extra work at the beginning of the project (if it’s not let them know and you can decide how to proceed). Once the final product of the project is agreed upon, you’ll send your invoice. Now all you have to do is wait. 

Payment is the part where a lot of my clients try to get tricky. They either tell me that they want to pay less, or they conveniently forget to answer the reminder messages I send the day before the payment deadline. 

When someone asks to pay less than the price we agreed upon, the answer is always no. If some catastrophic event happened and they want to pay in installments instead, that’s fine, but otherwise, I insist on having it all at the same time.

Some clients may ask for an extension. Depending on how long it is and how badly you need the money, that’s your call. If you do decide to extend their payment deadline, make sure you set a limit on the number of extensions they can ask for, or they will keep trying to do this until you eventually forget about it. I usually don’t give extensions (because they typically ask after they’re already late and therefore have created their own extension), and in special cases, I only give one.

Other clients will go completely silent when it’s time to pay. Instead of asking for an extension, they won’t say anything and hope you don’t notice. They won’t respond to your calls, messages, or emails until it’s convenient for them, if at all. 

After the deadline has already passed, they may say “oh sorry, it’s been a busy week! I will have it done ASAP.” This isn’t ideal but it usually means they’re at least planning to pay you at some point. Tell them that’s fine but to be mindful of the deadline next time.

Maybe you put a late fee into the agreement you signed – if so, add that to the invoice. If it’s a long-term client, I usually set a “dealbreaker” limit. In my contracts, I put limits on how many late payments I will tolerate before I end our cooperation. For example, three consecutive late payments and our collaboration is suspended.

It’s stressful to be chasing people down for money all the time. You have better things to be doing, such as freelance work for better, more respectful clients. If they don’t like you enforcing the written agreement when it comes to the payment, speak to a lawyer if you can. As long as you can prove that you’ve upheld your end of the deal, you will be fine. Even just the mention of a lawyer will get some clients to pay up pretty fast.

Other than the payment, the end of the project should be smooth sailing as the work is done. Hopefully, you can even cultivate a long-term working relationship with the client or get them to leave you a review to help you land new jobs.

Got a tip to add that we didn’t mention? Let us know! 

As a result of all of this, we tend to try and distract ourselves with potential new partners right from the get-go. We are looking for the love we just lost somewhere else – usually in another romantic partner – before the wounds of our past relationship have fully healed. Is this healthy? Nope. Not only are we not taking the time to process our grief and fully find ourselves again, but we are also dragging our old pain into our new relationship, causing problems from the start. 

But, it’s so hard to get over a breakup without someone new in the picture. So how can we fully move on from a past relationship without jumping right into something new, like so many of us are tempted to do? There are a few ways to beat the temptation of picking up a new beau right away: 

Spend some time alone.

Do this, even if it hurts at first. You may not believe it now, but you will eventually learn to enjoy your own company again without feeling like something is missing. It just takes practice. If this is really hard for you, try to pencil in at least 30 minutes of alone time a few times a week: read a book, write in a journal, go see a movie, or whatever else you feel like doing. 

Choose an activity that you enjoy doing and do it by yourself. This will build your confidence back up, remind you what it feels like to be in touch with yourself and your emotions, and keep you from constantly relying on distractions.

Surround yourself with other people who love you.

While spending time alone is important, it’s equally important to reach out to your support network. Make sure these are people who have your best interests in mind and who are mentally strong enough to support you through this difficult time. Chances are you weren’t dedicating as much of your time into maintaining your relationships with friends and family while you were in your romantic relationship, so now is the time to build those connections back up. 

Your time with these loved ones will remind you that you’re never truly alone and that you still have people to lean on and have fun with. Sometimes laughing with them is the best medicine for heartbreak.

Listen to music and cry about it when you need to. 

Breakups hurt and there’s no way around it. The only way out is through, as unpleasant as that might sound. So, if you’re having a really tough day, don’t be afraid to get emotional.

Turn on your favorite sad songs and have a cry. This will help you release these pent-up feelings and reflect on what it is that’s making you feel this way. Do you miss your ex-partner? Are you still feeling hurt by them? Are you mourning the loss of your love or are you still hoping to get it back?

Sometimes music and crying can be the best way to sort these things out, and believe it or not, reflecting on the answers to these questions will help you heal and move on quicker.

Affirm yourself in the mirror every day.

After a breakup, it’s understandable that your self-esteem would be lower than normal. You might be blaming yourself, telling yourself you’re not good enough, and otherwise putting yourself down. To crush these negative thoughts and remind yourself of exactly how awesome you are, make eye contact with yourself in the mirror for two or three minutes each day and repeat an affirmation that speaks to you out loud. It could be as simple as “I love you and I accept you” or it could be something more personal – you get to decide! Just make sure it’s a positive message that resonates with you and who you want to become. 

Meet new people and have fun.

Get out there and meet new people! This doesn’t have to mean going out dressed up and bellying up to the bar all night hoping that a guy comes to talk to you. It can mean hanging out with your friends, saying yes when you’re invited to parties where you only know a few people, and making more of an effort in your local community.

Just have fun with these new people. You might be surprised. You could meet someone awesome, and even if they don’t stay in your life for the long-term, a memorable experience with this new person can raise your standards and remind you what it’s like to just click with someone right off the bat. Basically, it can remind you of how you deserve to feel, and remind you not to settle for anything less. 

When you’re ready, say yes to dates, but make sure nothing turns serious.

After you’ve gone out and socialized, you may have been presented with the opportunity to start dating around again. If you’re not ready to accept, don’t pressure yourself into it too soon. But, if you’re of the attitude that “hey, this could be fun,” then go for it. Say yes, go on the date, and try to have fun without overthinking anything. Best case scenario might even be going on just one date with several different people, almost like you’re sampling what’s out there.

The important thing here is to put yourself out there, but to not actively pursue. If someone wants to pursue you – great, let them. You get to decide how far you want it to go, and if and when you want to call it off. But at this stage, you’re probably still pretty vulnerable. It might be tempting to reach out to someone who seemed interested in you, but don’t force a conversation. If it doesn’t happen naturally, just leave it. You need time to yourself before throwing all your energy into trying to attract someone new. 

Observe how you feel around different people. 

As you’re going out on dates, again preferably with several different people, make it a practice in observing how you feel around each different person, and directly after the date is over. You could even call it a social experiment.

This is something my therapist recommended doing and it has helped me tremendously. While I’m going on dates but am not looking for anything serious, my task is to simply to pay attention. Pay attention to how I’m feeling and to how the other person is acting. Am I nervous? Do I feel pressured to fill silence with small talk? How open am I feeling with this person? Am I having fun or am I bored with the conversation? Is the other person being respectful? Do they seem nervous? 

All of these questions are important to answer. For example, I’ve gone on just a couple dates since my last breakup. The first one was great; the conversation was easy, we had a lot in common, but I didn’t feel excited about it. I thought we could be great friends, but I didn’t want to see him again in a dating capacity.

The second one didn’t go quite as well. I felt pressured to fill every pause with chatter because I was getting bored; we had nothing in common, and we had opposite views on almost everything. And while we tried to make jokes out of it, it was pretty obvious it wasn’t going well. These are all important things to know and observe about your experience with different people. 

How do you want to feel around people, and did you feel that way? Did you feel like you could be yourself? Did you feel confident? Playful? Natural? Both the positive and negative feedback with new people are important to take into account as you’re getting over a breakup so you are better equipped to be yourself and surround yourself with people who support the best version of you. This time is about YOU and finding out what you want and don’t want, so explore and take advantage of it! 

Do you have any ideas that we missed? 

This desire to succeed, excel, and please everyone can lead us to overcommit and overwhelm ourselves. I know it’s happened to me way too many times. I have a free minute in between all my tasks at work and suddenly my colleagues are asking for my help. One deadline seems far off into the future, so I take on more projects. 

I overestimate my abilities and I underestimate the time it will take me to complete certain projects. Sure, part of removing or reducing the stress and overwhelm I put on myself is knowing my limits and knowing how to space things out. But the other part is realizing that I can’t do everything. Sometimes, I just have to say that one dreaded word: no.

So how do you say no to taking on more work without coming off as lazy or just plain unhelpful? It’s tricky, but if you do it right, you’ll keep from getting overwhelmed while also earning the respect of your supervisor, colleagues, and clients.

Be polite but straightforward 

The reason you’re saying no to something or someone at work is probably because you’ve got too much on your plate already. So what do you do when your boss approaches you asking if you can attend another meeting that wasn’t already on your schedule or tries to add something else to your task list?

Say something along the lines of “thank you for thinking of me for this project, but I was planning on spending this time working on project x,y,z…” This will show that you’re grateful for the opportunities being presented to you, but also that you have your priorities straight and aren’t turning down this new task to just sit at your desk and do nothing. If you name off some of the other tasks on your to-do list, you won’t come off as lazy, either. 

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Offer an alternative

Try to help without actually saying yes to the task at hand. This doesn’t mean you throw other colleagues under the bus by saying, “Mary doesn’t have much to do, so why don’t you ask her.” Mary will then be angry with you and whoever just asked you for help will be even more annoyed when Mary says no. So unless you know for a fact that another coworker can and will help with the task, don’t mention names.

Instead, ask if you can contribute in a smaller way or if you can take care of the task at a later date when your availability frees up a bit. Or, you can offer to help them find someone else. Instead of tossing out names, you can contact other colleagues yourself and say something like, “I was asked to help with this task, but I think you would be a better fit for it. Do you think you would have time to help?” It compliments your colleagues while also respecting their right to say no if they are too bogged down with their own workload.

Do it in person

Even if someone emailed or texted you asking for your help, don’t simply respond to the email . Go find them in person. The fact that you put in the effort to speak to them about it face-to-face will show that you aren’t saying no because you are lazy. It will show your appreciation that they asked and will also get across the fact that you’d like to help but are simply unable at this time. It will make your reasons for saying no sound more sincere and you will have less to feel guilty about in the future. 

Avoid a long-winded response

There’s nothing wrong with keeping your explanation short and sweet. If you include too many details and talk for much too long, it may look like you’re making up excuses. It will also be more clear that you feel guilty about saying no, so the person asking for your help will be more likely to pressure you further because they think you’ll give in easily. 

To avoid being pressured into something or having your current task list moved around, keep your saying no speech short, simple, and firm. Don’t even hint at the fact that yes could be an option. 

If you take these tips into account, saying no in professional settings will become much easier, and you’ll do better work when you’re not stressed out and rushing around. This will ultimately earn you the respect and admiration of supervisors and colleagues when they see that you’re confident about the projects on your to-do list. Saying no might feel strange at first, but the more you do it, the easier it gets! 

This obviously takes up a lot of time –– sometimes I work from sunup to sundown between my day job and my independent freelance projects. So how do you manage if you’re working a regular day job and freelancing on the side without getting overwhelmed and stressed out? It’s not easy, but once you get the hang of it it becomes manageable. So what’s the best way to get started on the road to balancing all these professional endeavors? We’ve got a few tips for you.

1. Come up with a routine that suits you

First, think of everything you need to include in your daily routine. When do you normally exercise? What are your office hours at your day job? When do you normally get hungry? When do you have free time and what do you prefer to do with it? And lastly, if you feel like all of these aspects (day job, going to the gym, socializing, relaxing, cleaning, eating, etc.) are getting in the way of your side hustle, how can you manage your time more efficiently to maximize your efforts?

Prioritizing all your activities and necessities is a good place to start. For example, it was important for me to get into a regular workout routine, but coming home after work and exercising pretty much killed me and made me unproductive for the rest of the evening. So, I started getting up 45 minutes earlier to do my workout in the morning, which freed up my evenings for freelance work. 

Decide on a schedule that fits you and your productivity the best. It could be getting up early to do your freelance projects before your day job starts, or scheduling a meeting with freelance clients on your normal lunch break. Either way, get into some sort of consistent schedule so that certain things become automatic and you don’t have to figure out the timing of your activities every single day. 

2. Write everything down so you don’t forget your deadlines

I swear by my paper planner for this reason. If I write things down by hand as opposed to typing them in my phone, I remember them better. Writing down deadlines and meetings for your independent projects right when you schedule them should become a habit. After all, you don’t want to have to ask a client to remind you of a meeting or a deadline, or worse, miss the meeting or deadline completely. 

Writing things down in a calendar will also help you to visualize your timetable so that you know what projects you need to work on when and how you’ll need to manage your time or space out work according to your upcoming projects. It’s a surefire way to make sure you don’t look unprofessional to clients and to uphold your good reputation.

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3. Space out and prioritize your freelance work

When scheduling your freelance jobs, you have a little more control over things than you do at your day job. Be smart about it: don’t give yourself two freelance deadlines on the same day, or even within two days of each other if you can avoid it. 

Make sure you have enough time between each deadline to relax a bit and not rush your work. Rushing to get things done one right after another will just stress you out and drive the quality of your work down. Breathe, stay calm, and remember that not every single task is urgent! You’re only human and you’re allowed to take as much time as you need (within reason) on your projects. You’re your own boss here – take advantage of it.

Another thing to consider when setting freelance deadlines and meetings are the other things going on in your day job or your personal life. Are you approaching a deadline at the office that your boss might ask you to stay late for? Probably best not to overload yourself with freelance jobs that week. Do you have a friend visiting you over the weekend? Don’t schedule a deadline the same weekend or the Monday after. 

Lastly, think about which projects you’re getting paid the most for or which are most important for your portfolio –– these are the ones you’ll want to spend most of your time and energy on.

Your freelance work should obviously always be of the highest possible quality, but don’t stress yourself out over jobs that aren’t paying much or that you won’t want to show to other potential clients or employers down the road. Focus on the things that will push you forward both financially and professionally before anything else.

4. Quiet minute at the day job? Work on your freelance projects

Some of us, myself included, are lucky enough to have day jobs where you might have a couple hours free while you’re waiting for a video to export or for a colleague to send you some other material. Instead of using this waiting time to scroll on your phone or take a nap, try to be productive with it! 

If it won’t get you into trouble, use this quiet time in the office to work on your freelance projects. After all, this is time you’ve carved out in your life to be working anyway so you might as well work. If you’re a writer or proofreader, make sure your documents are in your email or on Google Docs so you can access them on your work computer. Or if your freelance project requires bigger files and software, carry your personal laptop to the office with you and break it out when you’ve got a minute. 

This strategy will save you a lot of time and you might even be able to get ahead of schedule, which will impress your clients and leave you with more time to pursue other projects or to just treat yourself, because you deserve it! 

5. Time block your work

Last but definitely not least, pick a day when you’ve got a few hours of free time and just block your work. For me, Sunday is block day. I normally don’t schedule personal plans for Sundays until the evening, which leaves the whole day for me to get some side hustle work done. 

I look at my planner to see what deadlines I have coming up and I get as much done as possible, even if the deadlines aren’t immediately pressing. Once I get the stuff coming up first done, I move on to the project that has the next due date. If there’s an ongoing project, I schedule due dates, start coming up with ideas for the content, and finish the mundane tasks like choosing photos or posting small updates. I work straight through for 3 to 4 hours and by the end I’m pretty happy with the result and I feel productive.

Basically, whatever you can get done during the block of hours you choose, do it, even if the deadlines aren’t urgent yet. Even simply starting, outlining, or strategizing about a project that isn’t due yet is productive and will give you an easy place to start the next time you sit down to work on it. This will keep you from procrastinating and save you a lot of stress later. Mass producing content like this is a great habit to get into and it will ensure that you’re not rushing around before each and every deadline. 

So if you’re freelancing and working a day job at the same time, props to you because it’s clearly not easy! But using these strategies should help to make the whole process at least a little less stressful. Is there a way you balance your freelance jobs and your day job that we didn’t mention? Feel free to share it with us! 

We tend to associate the need to control with a lust for power and maybe even with greed or selfishness, and while some people may actually be trying to control and manipulate things around them for greedy or selfish reasons, most of us don’t consciously have those motivations. It’s also possible that our need to control manifests itself in such subtle ways that we may not even realize we have it, let alone realize how severe it is.

I never thought of myself as a controlling person. In fact, I consider myself to be fairly agreeable. I don’t ask for much from other people and I’m pretty independent, making most everyday decisions on my own and not needing others to constantly accompany me to get things done or give me advice.

However, sometimes I get stressed or overwhelmed with different situations in my life, and I start to panic. When I panic, I need to have everything figured out. My life is scheduled down to every last minute, I need to know what I’m going to eat and what money I’m going to spend in advance, and I’m constantly trying to figure out answers to questions I just don’t know. I always thought this was normal. I like having things planned out because it makes me less anxious about the unknown and it helps me meet deadlines and avoid further stress. 

After reading some books and having some long chats with my therapist about my relationships and other aspects of my life, turns out I have been feeling an intense need to control. All of my efforts to keep myself strict and productive are actually defense mechanisms and different ways to gain control over aspects of my life. Reading this you may be thinking “no shit, Sherlock” but it’s hard to see it when you’re the one displaying these behaviors.

Basically, I found that I need to control my routine, personal space, money, and even (gasp!) other people.

This information shocked me, especially the part about controlling other people. Even when I was little, I was a people-pleaser. I hate disappointing people and I always strive to reach compromises to make everyone happy and make sure everyone has what they want. Little did I know that even these tendencies were subtle ways to control how people felt about me. 

After looking back and examining my behavior more closely, I had even been controlling in my latest romantic relationship without being conscious of it. When things started to go bad, every text message I wrote was carefully worded hoping to either avoid a certain reaction or evoke a certain response. I gave advice and opinions without being asked for them because I thought I knew better. I got upset over certain things and would give my partner basically step-by-step how-to’s of how to avoid having the same fight again. 

I told him exactly what I needed him to say and do. To be fair, he often asked me to tell him these things because he was incapable at arriving at them himself. But guess what? It didn’t work. Telling your partner exactly what to say and do takes the meaning out of it when they actually say and do those things. It’s like having a relationship with yourself, and that’s no fun.

But why? Why did I start trying to control everything, including my boyfriend? It wasn’t because I wanted to feel powerful and I never consciously thought, “I need to control this.” Well, I went into control mode because I felt unsafe. I became anxious and stressed and insecure when my relationship started to go downhill. So, I tried to make myself feel safe again by taking control. If I know what I need and I believe I know how to get it, I’m in control and therefore I’m safe. I am protecting myself. At least, that’s what my subconscious mind thinks.

Even now that the relationship is over, I found that I’m still trying to find ways to get control. I overthink my social media posts, I analyze conversations whether they involve me or not, I write stories in my head that may or may not be true and I guess people’s motivations. I make myself so anxious with all of this guessing and trying to figure things out. This whole time I thought I just wanted knowledge and updates. 

Why did I want that? Because, again, I felt unsafe. And I wanted to disprove every scary story I had written in my head with hard evidence. If I could figure things out enough to prove that I had nothing to worry about, then I would be safe and I could relax. I needed to feel like I had control over something in order to calm my fears.

Clearly, I, like so many of us out there, try to make myself safe emotionally by subtly controlling and manipulating the environment around me, including the people I interact with. Here’s the catch: we don’t actually have control over anything (or anyone) besides ourselves. We can do as much people-pleasing and figuring out as we want, but that won’t change anything. The way people feel about us depends on them, not us. 

This is a hard truth to accept, and some people choose never to accept it. Some people will keep trying to control and manipulate for their entire lives, but they will never truly get what they want or need this way. People do whatever they want regardless of us, unexpected things happen, plans get messed up and life gets crazy. 

People that try to control and manipulate all these factors will only be met with dissatisfaction and pain. And the more they encounter this pain, the more unsafe they feel. The more unsafe they feel, the more control they need. The more control they try to get, the more they fail. And it starts over again. It can turn into a vicious cycle.

It’s a vicious cycle for me that I have decided to break. Up until recently, I didn’t even realize that I had this problem. I wondered why I was so anxious all the time and why I felt so down until I realized that I was constantly trying and failing to control things and people that are out of my control. And so my therapist was able to give me some advice. She gave me a mantra to repeat when I find myself spiraling into the “needing-to-know-things control mode.” She had me write it in my notes on my phone and I am to look at it and repeat it in my head whenever I feel those thoughts coming on. My mantra is “I am powerless over other people.” 

This mantra has worked wonders for me so far. First of all, when I catch those thoughts and I switch into the mantra right away, it interrupts those thoughts so I literally cannot keep concentrating on trying to use my control mechanisms. It makes me much less anxious in the end, because I’m not writing stories and trying to prove myself wrong while I’m repeating this mantra. Second, it mercilessly beats the message I desperately need to learn into my head and will eventually make this lesson into a habit. 

Don’t get me wrong –– it’s difficult to resist the temptation to ditch the mantra for a second and go back to my old ways, but knowing that it will eventually be worth it helps a lot. There are still days when I use the mantra and then directly after I wonder if I missed a crucial piece of information or evidence that could have helped me figure things out. That is okay. This is a learning process and it will be hard for a while. 

Learning that I am powerless over other people will lift a lot of stress off my shoulders. I won’t have to worry about how what I’m doing might affect their actions towards me and I won’t feel responsible for their emotions (which ultimately will mean less guilt for me). It will also impact the quality of my relationships.

If I stop trying to control other people and just allow them to be themselves, I lift the weight of my expectations and judgments off of them, so they walk away a little bit lighter, too.

So really, everyone benefits and everyone will be happier if I can make this change in myself. 

Not sure if you have this problem? A good place to start would be a bit of self-reflection. Ask yourself some serious questions and answer honestly.

• What are my common behavior patterns?
• How do I respond when I’m stressed or overwhelmed?
• What might be the underlying motivations behind my actions?
• How do I want people to see me and how do I try to achieve that through my actions?
• Do I feel unsafe? 

It can be scary to realize these things if this is a problem you’re having, but most of us are like this to some degree or another. We’re not alone in this and we can support each other while we try to break our controlling habits, whatever they may be, and if we can achieve it, our relationships with ourselves and with other people will improve astronomically.

After a breakup, normally all we want to do is cry, eat ice cream, and avoid our exes like the plague while we try to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and try to rebuild our lives without the other person in them. Don’t get me wrong –– breakups are never easy. But being able to create space from your ex makes them much easier so you can actually sort out your thoughts and feelings on your own, regardless of what your ex might be doing.

When you work with your ex, though, it’s really hard to create that space. So how do you deal with a breakup when your ex is part of your professional life?

There are a few do’s and don’ts but when you’re in the middle of the drama, it can be difficult to differentiate them. Here’s what I’ve been doing so far, and it seems to be working:

Don’t speak to your ex outside of work (at least at the beginning of the breakup)

If you’ve ever searched online about what to do after a breakup (guilty), you’ve probably come across the “no-contact rule.” The basic concept is that you give radio silence to your ex for about a month: no phone calls, no text messages, no tagging them in memes online, and certainly no hanging out. This is so that both you and your ex can create some space and start to think rationally about the circumstances that ended your relationship and you can each decide independently how you want to move forward. 

If you’re seeing each other at work every day, though, and worse, if you’re forced to communicate in person each day, radio silence can be difficult. You don’t want to make things awkward for each other or for any of your colleagues, so you can’t just straight up ignore each other. But, what you can do is refuse to speak to your ex about anything other than work. Communicate only about what you need to, when you need to, and communicate strictly during office hours. This way, you are setting your boundaries, retraining your mind, and forcing your ex to be just your coworker and nothing more.

Be polite, friendly, and professional at work, but try to avoid bumping into them during the day

As I mentioned before, you can’t just pretend that your ex doesn’t exist if you work in the same office. People are going to notice and people are probably going to talk. Save yourself and your ex the drama and treat them like you would any other coworker.

If they say hello to you, say hello back. Say goodbye at the end of the day. If they ask you a question about work, answer it politely. In short, don’t be rude and don’t make any hard feelings obvious. 

With that being said, there are still ways that you can avoid interacting with your ex. For example, my ex and I sit in the same room with four other people for eight hours each day. Painful, I know. But this also means that I can see when he gets up to go to the kitchen or use the bathroom. Using this information, I can wait until he gets back to his desk to go get a glass of water or heat up my food to ensure that there are no surprises and we don’t bump into each other awkwardly in the kitchen.

If you don’t sit in the same room as your ex, first of all, lucky you, second, try to avoid their favorite office “hangout” spots. It could be the lounge, it could be the cafe downstairs, or the shop around the corner. Don’t go there if you’re looking to avoid any surprise run-ins. If you do end up running into your ex, make eye contact, smile politely, and keep walking.

Don’t speak to other coworkers about the details of your breakup – and don’t feel like you need to announce your breakup to the entire office either

This might be difficult, especially if you are close friends with your other coworkers, but try to keep your mouth shut. Spreading the details of your breakup or even telling people “just so you know not to make things awkward, we broke up” is going to cause gossip around the office. Just don’t do it.

If someone asks, tell them you’d rather not bring the details into the workplace and you’d like to keep things professional. At least then if rumors do spread, your conscience is clean, you don’t have to explain anything to your ex, and you’ll be able to do damage control more easily. 

Retrain your brain to think “coworker” instead of “ex” by trying to build normal habits

I don’t know what kind of workplace etiquette you may have had before your breakup, but whatever it was, forget it now. Don’t perpetuate behaviors that will remind you of your relationship in the workplace. Treat your ex like you would treat a normal coworker.

Do you say good morning to everyone when you arrive at the office? If yes, say it to your ex, too. Leaving at the end of the day? Do the same. Offering to go on a coffee run? Make sure you ask your ex if he wants something, too. Don’t deliberately leave him out of anything. Try to build a sense of normalcy to make this breakup go a little more smoothly. 

This might be a little more extreme, but for me it was necessary. When your ex arrives in the morning, say in your head “that’s my coworker Steve” or whatever his name is, to try to beat it into your head. Try to keep the word “ex” out of your brain as much as possible in order to make the transition easier. I know it’s easier said than done, but if you can make it a habit, you’ll be grateful that you put in the work. 

If you are uncomfortable with working directly with your ex or sitting near them, talk to a trusted superior

I’m sure you’re already doing your best not to let your ex affect your job. After all, that would be pretty unprofessional and you don’t want a relationship gone wrong standing in the way of your future career. But, if your breakup was really messy or you’re having a hard time focusing on your work because your ex is constantly sitting right next to you laughing at something on his computer screen, you may need to do something about it. 

If this is the case with you, ask for a personal meeting, preferably a casual one outside the office, with a superior that you trust. Let them know that you and your ex have ended your relationship and you’d rather not go into the details, but that you’d like to create some space between the two of you in the office for the time being if possible. If it’s not possible, then you’ll have to power through but at least you tried. If it is possible, then you’re in luck and you’ve just done a good thing for your professional life and your mental health, and your superior will be impressed with your maturity and how you’ve handled the situation. 

Try not to analyze their every move in the workplace

This is going to be a hard one, especially if you’re not able to create some space as mentioned in the tip above. I’m still struggling with this one: analyzing how he says hello and goodbye to me, what happens when we pass each other in the hall, how he positions himself when he’s speaking with other people near my desk, whether or not he decides to go outside with another female coworker for a cigarette. I hate to admit it, but all of these things have been on my mind and it has been so hard to break the habit of overthinking everything. 

Yes, it’s true that both you and your ex are going through a tough time right now and adjusting to the new workplace dynamic makes it even more difficult. That said, it’s also true that you are probably wondering if the things they do in front of you at work are deliberately meant to get a reaction out of you. And some of it probably is designed to catch your attention, especially if you were the one who initiated the breakup. But guess what: they are probably thinking the same thing about you and whatever you’re doing in the office. And how much of what you’re doing is consciously designed to get your ex’s attention? Only you know the answer to that.

The point is that while it’s going to be tempting, you can’t sit there and watch your ex all day and relate every little action back to you and your previous relationship. When I saw my ex smoke a cigarette on the balcony the day after we broke up, I immediately jumped to a million different conclusions: “He never cared about me. He knows how I feel about smoking. I hope he’s okay. He must be really stressed.” It really freaked me out.

Then I had to talk myself down and tell myself: It was just one cigarette, calm down. I then had to remind myself that it doesn’t matter what he does now anyway, because we are broken up. He no longer has a reason to consider my feelings the way he did before, and I no longer have a reason to relate his actions back to me. And this all goes the same way for you and your relationship with your ex.

Focus on yourself just like you would after any other breakup

This is advice that’s commonly given after any breakup scenario and I’m going to stress it even more for this one. It goes hand in hand with the one above. While you’re trying not to analyze their every move, you have to pull that attention off of them and focus it back on yourself. You can’t keep living your life for your ex and trying to work out their reactions and thoughts about everything you’re doing.

Try not to look at their social media (take a break on Facebook and the mute feature on Instagram are lifesavers), create however much space you need from them in the office, and try not to arrive early or stay late at work if possible. Minimize your contact time as much as you can and focus on your own life. This is your time to really improve yourself and make whatever changes you couldn’t make while you were in a relationship.

If you focus on yourself and not on your ex, you will notice a huge change and other people will notice it, too. 

If your ex is starting drama in the workplace, confront them

Now that you have all these tips and tricks about how to be mature and professional about this entire breakup in the office, keep in mind that your ex should be doing the same thing. He should be trying just as hard as you are to maintain a respectful and safe office environment for both of you, and if he’s not, that’s a problem. 

If he is spreading rumors, telling people the details of the breakup, or being outright rude, you’re going to need to confront him. Let him know that you care about him and that you understand this is a difficult time for both of you, but that you would like it if you could keep your personal relationship and your professional life as separate as possible and to please stop whatever behavior is making you uncomfortable. 

After all, you dated him so hopefully he is a decent human being and he should understand and oblige you. If not, you may have to take it a step further and talk to a trusted superior about the issue.

No matter what, you and your ex should be respecting each other’s professional lives, and if any boundaries are crossed, they need to be addressed immediately so you can maintain a healthy work environment.

And as the opportunity has arisen: just a friendly reminder that abuse or threats of any kind should not be tolerated and you can always seek help or report inappropriate behavior to authorities. 

Breakups are never easy, and clearly working with your ex is a whole new ballgame to figure out. I’ve been doing it for almost a month now and while it hasn’t gotten any easier, it has at least become a strangely comfortable routine.

Yes, it’s difficult, but it can be done if you’re mature, professional, and careful in your approach to the whole scenario.

If you’ve got any other tips for working with your ex, feel free to share!

So, how do we recognize when our self-worth is coming from the wrong places? And more importantly, what can we do about it? 

To recognize it, you have to pay attention to how you feel, both physically and mentally. Constantly feeling a bit under the weather? Maybe you’re having a little trouble sleeping or eating? These are big indicators that something is off. Constantly feeling anxious but you’re not sure why? Are seemingly little things upsetting you more than they should? Feeling guilty for no apparent reason? These feelings could be trying to tell you there’s a bigger problem. If you answered yes to any of these questions, it’s time to check in on yourself, and make yourself a priority. But how?

Step 1: Schedule some me-time

Give yourself some time to relax. If you’re like me, you’re very good at overbooking yourself and you continue to deplete your own energy without even meaning to. Block out a day or even just a few hours in your schedule to do nothing but be with yourself. You could meditate, do yoga, read a book, take a walk, or whatever else helps you feel in tune and aware of your inner world. Just relax. 

Notice how you feel when you’re by yourself. What kind of thoughts keep creeping into your mind? Are there worries that won’t go away? Are you constantly putting yourself down and thinking “I’m stupid” or “I’m an idiot”? These are huge red flags, and you need to figure out what’s making these thoughts pop into your head.

Step 2: Identify the source

Once you complete step one and you remove some of the craziness from your mind, this will be easier to do. Reflect on who and what your current priorities are, and how these priorities make you feel. Maybe your priority is your job, but the work environment is toxic. Maybe your priority is your future goal, whatever it may be, but you are so focused on conditional achievements that you’re convinced you won’t be happy until you have x, y, and z. Or, maybe your priority is your relationship, and while you’re giving selflessly to your partner, you’re not getting anything in return. 

Whatever it may be, you need to identify where you are getting your own self-worth from so that if it’s in an unhealthy place, you are able to change it.

Step 3: Transfer the source of your self-worth to you

This is arguably the hardest part, because it involves training your mind to drop the toxic thoughts and habits you’ve developed and create new, positive ones. 

Sometimes we are our own worst enemies, so these are the hardest things to realize. You are enough just as you are. You are worthy of love and respect, and you don’t need the approval of others to help you realize this. Start trying to treat yourself like you would treat your best friend. Be brutally but lovingly honest, pamper yourself, spend time doing what you enjoy, and let yourself rest. 

Actively focus on all the good things about yourself, and accept and work on your flaws. We’re all human, and we all have flaws. You are not worth any less because of how someone else treats you or what someone else thinks of you. If it helps, find a mantra and keep it someplace where you’ll see it each day. Make positive thoughts about yourself and self-care a habit. You may have to force it a little at first, but after a while it will come naturally. Don’t settle for less than you deserve, and always stand up for yourself. You will notice it, and others will too. 

Putting this topic into three steps seems like it’s being made too simple. None of these steps is simple. In fact, these are some of the hardest things you’ll have to do for yourself. It may result in loss of relationships but it will also result in new discoveries that will improve your life tremendously.

In order to keep myself sane, I do a combination of the things mentioned above and many others, but my main outlet, as you might have guessed, is writing.

Something about making my thoughts concrete on a piece of paper (or on the computer) makes my mind feel less heavy. It’s like unpacking a stuffed suitcase and clearing the air for me, whether I’m writing a structured article based on a prompt or just journaling for my own sanity.

How I start writing

It’s not always easy. I don’t have control over the sparks of inspiration that strike me. The ideas have to come from somewhere and they usually are based on the energy I’m feeling. Normally I get the ideas from the people around me and events that happen in my life –– and how these things make me feel.

If something intrigues me and sticks in my mind, I’ll write about it. If something excites me, I’ll write about it. If something confuses me, I’ll write about it. Basically, if something makes me feel something –– anything –– that strongly, I’ll write about it.

Through my writing, I’ve discovered that I’m usually trying to pin down why I’m feeling that way about that specific topic. By dumping my thoughts about it onto paper in an organized way that is eventually meant to make sense to someone else, I end up exploring the topic further and unearthing the reason why it stuck in my mind in the first place.

Once I have the idea, of course, I need to then actually start writing about it. It can be hard because most of the time, I’m not really sure where to start tackling the problem. But, as always, you have to start somewhere. So, I just start writing anything that comes to mind. I write in stream of consciousness to get all my thoughts out to where I can physically see them. At this stage, it doesn’t even matter if it makes sense, as long as there’s something there.

Once that’s done and everything is out of my head, I’ll go back and reread it all. Being able to see it on paper makes it easier for me to organize the thoughts into categories and put them into a logical, understandable order. It’s a very fluid process and there can be a lot of changes, and I might have some new ideas that I need to add in.

Sometimes I even realize that I disagree with something that I’ve written, and I have to work my way around it to figure out what I actually want to say. This is also where I get to make the page look organized, and an organized document means an organized brain for me.

The next stage

Next, and this is going to sound annoying, I do the same thing again. And again, if need be. Basically, I repeat the last stage of the process as many times as is necessary for me to stop adding new ideas. That’s when I know I’ve really said everything I need to say about it, and this is also usually when I come to understand what it was I was trying to figure out through writing the piece, because I usually end up adding to the very end of it. The part I add to the end is usually the reason why I wrote about it and it ends up being something I realized as I was reading the rest of the piece. In other words, I end up teaching myself through my writing because I’m reading it as a third party by this point.

The editing

Lastly, I let it sit for a couple of days just to have some space and untangle myself emotionally from the topic before I give it a last read-through for language, voice, and readability. The few days of space is really important, because it allows me to come back and look at it as if I was reading something new.

This is where I’m trying to pick up any typos, phrases that don’t make sense or words that seem out of place, and I need to be as detached as possible to do those things. I have to be reading what I actually wrote, not what I meant to write.

And usually, this is the quickest part for me and the most exciting, because I’m able to realize all over again that these ideas came out of my own head and I have successfully discovered, mentally processed, and outwardly expressed something that I learned through my own experiences and hard work.

Finished work

After finishing a piece of writing, whether it’s going to be published somewhere or sit in my journal just for my own eyes, the idea usually leaves my mind unless a small reminder pops up. Writing about these things that take up residence in my head helps me to clear mental space for new ideas and experiences that may crop up –– and this is what helps me grow as a person.

Oftentimes, if I go too long without writing, I find myself feeling mentally cluttered because I just have too many pieces of unprocessed junk floating around in my head and I seem to run out of room. Writing forces me to pick one of those things, focus on it, and calmly articulate it, and by the time I’m done, I feel accomplished and like I’ve gleaned everything I can from it.

I then have this shiny new piece of knowledge that I can start applying to my experiences moving forward and I can always come back and reflect on the piece of writing if I need a reminder every once in a while.

So, if you feel like you need an outlet and you’ve never tried writing, I would highly recommend it. Just start with stream of consciousness. There’s no pressure there and you don’t have to share it with anyone if you don’t want to. It can stay in the stream of consciousness or you can slowly develop it into something more complex. It’s your way of processing your world, so do it in whatever way works for you.

Happy writing!

I mentioned in a previous article that one of the ways seeing a therapist can help is by making us aware of our unhealthy patterns so we can acknowledge them and eventually break them. It’s an ongoing process and it’s hard work. But it needs to be done so we can keep growing and improving and therefore cultivate healthier relationships with ourselves and other people.

Recently, my therapist helped me realize that I was being too assertive in my relationships. Now, there’s nothing wrong with being assertive in general, but this is part of a personal pattern that leads me to be anxious and dissatisfied with my relationships.

When I need something from other people, I vocalize it. But then, I worry that I have become a burden to those I care about by being too assertive about my needs. Because I’ve basically given them this checklist of things I need in the relationship. I feel like they are just going through the motions and doing what I asked so as not to piss me off.

Is that what I want? No. What I really want is for them to genuinely care about me enough to understand my needs and work to meet them, by doing the things I asked or even going above and beyond. Now, keep in mind that I have no way of knowing if they’re just going through the motions or if they genuinely want to do these things –– so my mind immediately goes to the former.

There lies the catch: even when I’m pretty much getting what I need after I’ve said something about it, I get upset because I feel like the other person looks at me as an obligation, rather than genuinely caring about me.

By going through this with me, my therapist helped me realize that when I feel this way, it’s because I’m basically doing all the work. I’m putting in my effort because I care about the other person, and then I’m noticing that I’m not getting reciprocated effort from the other person, so then I’m telling them exactly what they need to be doing; they follow my instructions, and I get upset. Basically, I was running the show from both sides and having a relationship with myself, which isn’t fair to me or to the other person in the relationship.

So, once she helped me realize this pattern of assertion of my needs was unhealthy, my natural next question was, “How do I fix that?” The look on her face told me I wasn’t going to like the answer. And guess what: I didn’t. It sounded hard. It sounded painful. It sounded scary and it sounded exhausting. But what was I going to therapy for if I wasn’t going to follow her advice?

Your pattern may be totally different than mine –– maybe you’re not assertive enough and you let people take advantage of you. Maybe you find yourself manipulating other people. Maybe you have an unhealthy addiction. It could be any number of things. No matter what it is though, it most likely needs to be worked on and the processes will all be similar.

First, understand the reason why you need to break the pattern and what makes it unhealthy.

I needed to break this pattern because it was getting me into relationships, romantic and otherwise, that didn’t meet my needs on their own. I was forcing them to meet my needs and then feeling bad about it. You shouldn’t have to force anything, because this will always lead you to worry about whether or not the other side is completely genuine.

And this goes for any unhealthy pattern you may have. The first step to fixing it is always understanding why it needs to be fixed. That way, you will see the benefit and have a goal to work toward from the very beginning.

Next, notice the trigger and how you feel when it happens. Label it.

For example, one of my needs in romantic relationships is quality time.

I want to feel like a priority for the other person. This means that when I don’t know when the next date is or when I’ll see them next, I panic and I go into planning mode. I push the other person to make plans and tell me what they are. I put all my other plans on hold and keep my schedule clear in case the other person is free. If we don’t have set plans, I overthink and stress about when I’ll see them next, thinking that they don’t want to be with me.

Clearly, I get triggered whenever I feel that something else is consistently more important than me, and that I fall to the bottom of the totem pole for this person. I felt like I needed to force my way in, so cue the planning mode pattern so I could make sure I got the time and attention I needed. When my requests were obliged, I felt awful anyway because it didn’t feel like the other person actually wanted to spend time with me.

You can imagine how this made me feel. So now, when I go into planning mode and I’m about to say something about spending time together, I stop. I notice it. I say to myself, hey, this is your planning mode. And going into planning mode right now is not going to help you in the long run.

After you notice it and label it, you have to drop it.

This is the hard part. Drop the struggle. As you’re noticing and labeling it, you’re holding it in your hand and you’re faced with a decision. Envision your hand opening and dropping your problem.

Do not act on it, no matter how badly you want to. This is going to feel very unnatural at first, considering this has been your pattern for as long as you can remember. But this is how you heal.

Now, when I go into stressful planning mode and I want to make plans with a significant other, I consciously decide not to say anything. I let the anxiety roll off my back. I don’t bring up the topic, and I test the waters to see what the other person does in the absence of my pattern.

Finally, you’re going to have to filter.

Dropping the struggle allows you to filter your life –– keep the people and relationships that step up to the plate once you break your pattern, and drop those that don’t.

When I dropped the struggle, things started to happen in my relationship. After a few days of me not constantly badgering him to spend time with me, he asked me to make plans and suggested things we could do together. I was pleasantly surprised. And this way, I didn’t feel awful about having my needs met. Since it wasn’t my suggestion to spend time together, I felt like he was doing something he actually wanted to do, not taking care of an obligation. In this scenario, I had the best possible outcome. Dropping the struggle and filtering is the only way to find out if something only works if you force it, or if it works naturally on its own.

The catch is the opposite scenario. When you drop the struggle, you are inevitably going to find that some people or some things just don’t meet your needs, no matter how badly you want them to stay in your life. It’s going to be hard and it’s going to hurt. You are going to have to mourn. Take the time you need to do what you need to do before completely moving on.

As hard as this sounds, it is essential to bettering ourselves and growing. It’s so easy and comfortable to perpetuate our unhealthy patterns by taking no action at all, but eventually we will realize that we aren’t truly happy and that we need something more. That’s where breaking the pattern comes in. It will help us to not only become better versions of ourselves, but it will attract people, relationships, and things into our lives that are a better, healthier fit for us. Breaking the unhealthy patterns in our lives can free us from guilt, from anxiety, from addiction, from feeling like a burden, and so much more.