I’m a therapist and a burnout coach, so I love these questions! I have helped clients through these conversations many times, and over time developed a step-by-step based on what has most consistently helped my clients get what they need out of these conversations.

If your burnout is causing you to take sick days, miss deadlines, or not get your work done, it’s time to talk to your boss about it. This can be an honest and really helpful conversation, and your first step toward healing from burnout. It’s a really big first step! Even if your boss isn’t as understanding as you would want, thinking through these steps will help you advocate for yourself, your mental health, and your career. 

Step 1: Ask yourself, what’s the goal of the conversation?

Think about the end goal. Are you hoping for your workload to change? Your schedule? Something to get taken off your plate? That’s what you want to tailor the conversation around. “I’m overwhelmed” is a start, but no boss will be able to know exactly what you need if that’s all you say. Don’t make her read your mind! 

Let’s say that I’m really burned out, and I know it got worse when I started a particular Project. It’s difficult and time-consuming, and it’s keeping me from doing other tasks. My goal for my conversation with my boss is to take the Project off my plate.

Step 2: Make it concrete – how is burnout affecting your work?

Give your boss evidence. What are your burnout symptoms?

Burnout is typically categorized by these three factors: exhaustion and overwhelm, a sense of ineffectiveness, and cynicism. 

You probably know if you’re exhausted and overwhelmed. No amount of sleep is enough, you can barely get out of bed, you’re not as social or active as you used to be. 

If you’re feeling more ineffective, that could look like doubting yourself, feeling discouraged, believing that your work is meaningless, and being less productive than usual. 

If you’re feeling cynical, you may be more irritable, more sarcastic, impatient, unable to deal with difficult people at work, and feeling like nothing is going to get better. 

Tell your boss these three research-based factors of burnout and how they’re affecting you. Think about both your mental and physical health. It’s okay to be honest and human about how you’re feeling. Then, explain how this is affecting your work. 

Again, give evidence! What tasks are more difficult? What is taking longer to get done? How has your performance changed? How has your attendance changed?

The reason it’s important to acknowledge how burnout has affected your work is because that’s where your boss can get invested. She likely wants you to perform your best, and therefore may be more motivated to help you address your burnout. 

So for me and The Project, I would tell my boss how I’m experiencing exhaustion, overwhelm, cynicism, and a sense of ineffectiveness in both my work life and personal life. Then I would show her how it’s affecting my work: I’m unable to get Task X, Y, and Z done because of my Project overwhelm. I’m taking three days to get back to clients when I usually call them back in 24 hours. I had to take two sick days last month for burnout. Give as many concrete examples as you can. 

Step 3: Ask for what you want

This is where you get to advocate for yourself! But just asking for stuff often doesn’t work. Here’s how to ask. 

• Bring data. 

If you want to take an extra training and want your employer to pay for it, show why it will help you do your job better. If you want a different shift, show why you should get that shift (seniority, performance numbers, etc.). 

Remember that my goal with my boss is to get The Project dropped. So I might show data like examples of how this Project isn’t in my skill set and was just assigned to me, and why a different department could do it better. I might track my time spent on each project for a couple weeks to show that 80% of my time is going to The Project when I have 10 other projects to work on. These kinds of examples will help you get a lot further with your boss. 

• Ask often. 

Don’t give up asking! Sometimes supervisors are just busy, and stuff falls through the cracks. Make it your responsibility to keep bringing it up. If your boss pushes it off and says, “let’s talk about it Monday,” send her a calendar invite for Monday morning and remind her on Friday afternoon. 

• Ask for data in return. 

Don’t take a “no” without a “why” for an answer. Your boss may legitimately not be able to grant your request, but you deserve to know why. Ask what the barriers are and see if there’s an alternate way around them. Ask about “next best” solutions. But don’t take a vague no.  

Step 4: Bring solutions to the table 

Don’t just complain; offer solutions! If I were to go into my boss’s office and say that I just wanted to drop my Thursday shift, she’d say no. Someone has to cover Thursday. But if I were to go in and say that I want to drop Thursday, pick up Friday, and have someone who has agreed to switch with me, my boss is much more likely to say yes. Why? Because I already have a solution. My boss no longer has to do the legwork. 

Always brainstorm solutions for the thing you’re asking for. If it’s getting extra training, think about where the educational money could come from and who will cover your responsibilities while you’re at the training. Trying to switch a shift? Ask around to see who might switch with you before talking to your boss. 

If I want my boss to take The Project off my plate, I might want to talk to my team and see if The Project fits into one of their skill sets better, and offer to trade something with them. I might show that The Project can be done at a later time after Tasks X and Y are completed, because those deadlines are first. 

Whatever it is, be willing to contribute to a solution. 

Step 5: Thank your boss and follow up 

Thank your boss for taking the time to meet with you, and follow up a week or so later. Remember to stay focused on the goal you identified in Step 1, and the solutions you’ve offered in Step 4. 

If you know that it’s time to talk to your boss about burnout, I hope these steps help you get through that conversation as smoothly as possible, and help you walk away with some practical solutions that can make your work life a little easier. 

Not. At. All. You can absolutely create your own self care retreat at home or locally. Here are a few steps to creating your dream self care retreat for the refresh and refuel that you need. 

Choose your logistics for your self care retreat

First, pick a date. This gives you something to look forward to! Plus, I do recommend that you book one thing if you can. This could be booking an Airbnb and having your retreat there, or perhaps booking a massage or facial. It just depends on what you want to bring into your retreat and what your budget is. 

Once you’ve chosen a date, protect it.

Make sure that you have the day to yourself, without interruptions. Consider whether your home can be a quiet and private place to have the retreat, or if you should go somewhere else.

You don’t necessarily have to book an Airbnb or a hotel! You could have your retreat in a park, on a trail, by some water, anywhere you like!

Incorporate all 8 dimensions of wellness

The eight dimensions of wellness are a great way to help you ensure that you’re caring for every part of yourself during your retreat. Choose at least one thing from each dimension to bring into your day. Once you’ve chosen your list of activities, you can loosely organize them and decide how you want to spend the day.

Physical: anything that cares for your body.

Examples: yoga, a healthy snack, dancing, hiking, walking, running, swimming, cycling, any exercise, holistic supplements, a bath, massage, facial, manicure or pedicure, dry brushing, drinking a favorite cup of tea, doing a more thorough skincare routine, getting extra sleep.

Mental: anything that either stimulates your mind or helps it relax!

I recommend choosing one of each. Examples: Reading a book, listening to an audiobook, listening to a podcast, watching a documentary, writing or journaling, meditation, a guided visualization, practicing a new language, playing a musical instrument. 

Emotional: anything that helps you process your emotions.

Examples: journaling, grounding meditation, naming your emotions and noticing where you feel them in your body, identify particular things in your life that you want to say “yes” to, and others that you need to say “no” to, checking in with your therapist, writing a gratitude list, writing or saying positive affirmations, listening to music that evokes emotion, giving anonymously to a charity you care about. 

Social: anything that helps you connect with others.

Examples: calling a friend or family member, playing with your pet, going to a place where you can be around others such as a park or coffee shop, having lunch with a friend, creating a care package and sending it to someone you love, ending your retreat day with your significant other. 

Spiritual: anything that helps you connect with your deeper self and your higher power.

Examples: reading a spiritual text, prayer, lovingkindness meditation, engaging with your faith community, any kind of spiritual ritual, sage smudging, writing letters to people who you need to forgive, or need to apologize to (don’t send them). 

Occupational: anything that helps you engage in meaningful work (not just your job!).

Examples: reflecting on your career and where you want it to go, brainstorming ideas for a side hustle, gardening or growing house plants, building something, playing a musical instrument, drawing, painting, making any kind of craft, cooking, identifying any areas where you’re feeling burned out. 

Financial: anything that helps you manage your finances and assets responsibly.

Examples: doing your retreat within your budget, determining a budget, reviewing the accounts you have including savings, retirement, etc; reviewing your bank statements and cutting out any unnecessary subscriptions, opening a savings account, choosing something special you want to save up for and create a plan for how to do that. 

Environmental: anything that helps you live in harmony with both your individual environment (your home) and the greater environment.

Examples: be outside in nature, go on a hike, ride your bike on a trail, go outside barefoot and feel the earth, research ways to be more eco-friendly in your daily life, gardening, declutter a room in your home, clean or organize. 

Gather any tools you need

Think about the self-care activities you’ve chosen. What do you need? Perhaps it’s an app, a video, a book, a recording, an outfit, your laptop, headphones, music, a journal, equipment, or recognizing that you’ll need a specific location. Don’t forget food and drinks!

Gather up all these tools ahead of time so that you’ll have everything you need for your retreat.

Set your intention 

Set just one intention for your self-care retreat. To determine your intention, think about how you want to feel at the end of your retreat, or perhaps what you want to accomplish. Word your intention in a more certain language, such as moving from “I want to feel more refreshed” to “I will feel refreshed.” 

A few examples of “feel” intentions: 

I will be well-rested. 

I will be peaceful.

I will feel love for myself. 

I will feel love for others. 

I will feel love for my body.

A few examples of “accomplish” intentions: 

I will connect with my deeper self. 

I will reflect on my career goals.

I will care for my body. 

I will care for my mind. 

I will process the emotions I feel from ____. 

Use your intention as the theme for your self-care retreat. See how every activity you choose can be incorporated into that theme. 

Protect Your Self Care Retreat

Protecting your retreat is absolutely essential if you’re going to have it at all. First off, make sure that you’re truly “off” that day. If you take a day off work, make sure you can’t be reached. Change your voicemail and set your email on auto-reply. 

If you’re doing your retreat on a weekend, you still have to make sure you are fully off! That could mean finding a babysitter or a pet sitter or making sure that normal weekend errands are taken care of. 

On the day of your retreat, silence your phone!

Silence notifications, take social media apps off your phone for the day if you have to. And if you must check your phone, do it at a designated time (like lunchtime) and for a specific amount of time only. Set a timer, check your phone, and shut it back off when the timer goes off. 

If you have certain circumstances that require being around your phone more, you already know those and I’m not going to tell you what to do! I just want to encourage you to truly take a retreat day for yourself, and to be with yourself as much as possible.

Most of the time, our phones aren’t being used to communicate an emergency. They’re usually used to distract us and draw our attention away from the deeper work, the intention, that brings us to our self-care retreats in the first place. 

Enjoy It!

Allow yourself to create a day that is truly crafted for you and your specific intention, and then enjoy the day! You deserve to take time out to reflect, refresh and engage in those parts of you that don’t get enough attention.

Instead, work and life balance is more of a spectrum. Let’s start by talking about what that spectrum is. I’ve had many great teachers throughout my career as a therapist, and one of them taught me this spectrum: Separatists to Integrators.

Separatists

Separatists like work to be work and home to be home. They are not very likely to schedule personal appointments during the workday or spend their lunch break with a friend, go to happy hour with coworkers, or even answer personal phone calls. On the other hand, when they clock out, they’re done. They don’t take work home, don’t answer calls or emails on the weekends, and may or may not forget what their job is on vacation!

Separatists do all these things because they feel like they can give their best to each world –– work and home –– when they can be 100% focused and present on that world at that time. They get much more stressed if their worlds start colliding. And some separatists who have stressful jobs find that keeping work contained helps them de-stress the best.

Integrators

Integrators are basically the opposite. They like to blend their work and personal lives and may have much more flexibility when it comes to appointments and calls during the workday. Their coworkers may be some of their closest friends, and you’ve likely gotten an email back from them at 8 pm or on Saturday morning. They may have trouble disconnecting when they’re on vacation.

Integrators do all these things because they feel like they can give their best when they’re prepared for what’s coming. They don’t feel like they have a separate work life and personal life – just one life. And so they’d rather keep the pulse on everything going on at all times. Integrators become much more stressed if something gets sprung on them.

How to understand the spectrum

All of us fall somewhere on the spectrum from Separatists to Integrators. You likely sense a little of both in yourself, but lean one way or the other the majority of the time. But it’s not just about where you fall on the spectrum. It’s also about where your job falls on the spectrum! Some jobs are purely shift work, where you’re truly done when you clock out and there’s nothing to take home. Other jobs have constant demands rolling in, expect you to be on-call, or are simply hard to do well if you’re not connected.

Think about where your personality falls on the spectrum, and then think about what your job falls. Are you a Separatist who’s running your own business? An integrator who works a shift, receives no communication, and then shows up to a dozen changes the next day? These are mismatches, and they’re going to stress you out. The closer the match between personality and job on the spectrum, the easier it will be to feel like you have work + life balance.

Individualizing your work + life balance

Once you’re more aware of your match or mismatch, you can use that information to make your work + life balance so much better. If you’re just reading a blog about work + life balance, you’ll only get the opinion of the author from the perspective of where they fall on this spectrum. And it might be the complete opposite of what you need to do! Knowing where you and your job fall on the spectrum means you can tailor your work + life balance to YOUR actual life.

Let’s say that you’re a Separatist in an Integrator job. Boundaries need to become your best friend. You likely need to give yourself certain after-work times to mentally stay in work mode so that you can answer emails without stressing out, and you also need to set aside time to completely disconnect, and notify your team of this time.

But if you’re an Integrator in a Separatist job, you may want to talk to your manager about how to know what’s happening at work when you’re not there, or see if there is flexibility to do what you need to do during the work day, and work a little later when you need to.

Things to Consider when Individualizing Your Work/Life Balance

If your personality and job are a pretty good match on the spectrum, that doesn’t necessarily mean your work and life balance will be easy! There are several basic things to consider.

1. Your boundaries

Make sure you know when you’re “on” and when you’re “off,” and stick to it. That means your actual presence at work, being logged on to your computer if you’re working from home, responding to emails, answering calls and texts, work meetings, and any other forms of communication. Practice saying no!

2. Your autonomy and level of flexibility

This mostly means feeling in control of your workday. Think about the hours you’re expected to be at work, any flexibility you have with your schedule, and how much control you have over your tasks throughout the day.

3. Your personal time

When you are definitely “off,” how do you want to spend that time? Work/life balance means finding ways to refuel during your off time so that you feel at your best when you’re at work. How do you like to refuel and take care of yourself? What kinds of activities feel like they really do rejuvenate you, and aren’t just ways to zone out?

Just start with a few of these tips, and expand on them! I hope this gives you a solid foundation for thinking about your own work/life balance, and how your career can truly support you and your goals.

Why? Well, I had symptoms over the course of a few years that pointed to a kidney losing function, but each symptom by itself always seemed to point to something else, something simpler and more common.

Stress, depression, adrenal fatigue, being overweight, having an abnormal cycle, somewhat mysterious back pain that wasn’t worth addressing. Meanwhile, the blood flow to my kidney became blocked, killing it, and then eventually it got infected. And that’s how I found out about it at all and was able to get the three surgeries I needed.

I learned a lot in the three months from the time we caught the problem and had the first surgery until I began recovering from my kidney removal surgery.

At first, it was just frustrating. I’m an Enneagram 3 – constantly on the move and busy with a mile-long to-do list. I didn’t like the way all this slowed me down. But I realized how badly I needed to rest and heal. And that’s when I started to reflect on what this time was teaching me.

It’s okay to not be productive sometimes

I hate not being productive, which is why I have chronically burned myself out and never slow down until I am literally forced down by illness. The kidney wasn’t the first time this had happened –– it’s been my whole life. Even as a kid, I never stopped moving until I got so sick I’d end up staying home for a week. 

But after the big surgery, I couldn’t do much of anything. I couldn’t get out of bed by myself, couldn’t use the restroom by myself, couldn’t sit up by myself. I felt like I had been cut in half (I kinda had).

And so out of necessity, I just rested. And guess what? The world didn’t fall apart, my business didn’t crumble, my friends and family were perfectly fine, my dogs were taken care of.

You don’t need surgery as an excuse to rest. You aren’t more valuable if you’re constantly productive. You have full permission to sit and be. And that can be enough. You are valuable simply because you exist. I think we can all use a little more intentional time to do nothing.

When you know you need to rest, take more time than you think you need

If you struggle to rest as I do, don’t just take intentional time off. Take enough time off. 

I am a therapist, and I seriously had clients on my calendar the week after my surgery.

This was stupid and laughable. In fact, a therapist friend had to remind me that it’s not a great idea to see clients when I’m still on pain meds… like what was I thinking! When I inevitably had to call each client and cancel because I was in so much pain, they were all incredibly gracious and a few chuckled with me because they knew I would end up canceling.

The point here… take more time to rest than you think you need. Our bodies feel stress and burnout first. Then it works its way to our emotions. And then finally, it gets to our thoughts. This is when we become consciously aware of the body’s need for serious rest. But by this point, it’s already severe. 

By slowing down more than I wanted to, I was able to listen to my body and give it the rest it actually needed. 

Meditating and being still really is hard, but also worth doing

If you don’t meditate or you’re just getting started, it’s totally normal to think you’re a mess because you can’t sit still and think about nothing (you’re not). Meditating really is hard! Think about modern American culture… there are a million distractions every second of every day. You never have to sit and do nothing if you don’t want to, and so our brains aren’t used to the practice.

Once I started to learn how to simply rest, I then started learning how to be more intentional with my time awake and began meditating more. It’s hard to just be there and focus on my breath and let my thoughts move through.

I still mostly use guided meditations, because they actually help me think less. I can simply listen and focus where the voice asks me to focus, rather than trying to rein my thoughts in. 

Meditating is helping me stay centered and grounded. This world is full of trauma, anger, hatred, despair, anxiety, and so many other difficult emotions and realities that can feel overwhelming. It is really important for us to find grounding, contentedness, and peace every day.

Meditation hasn’t been for you? Try one of these mindfulness practices to start.

It’s important to know how to receive help 

Remember when I said I couldn’t use the restroom by myself at first? Yeah… embarrassing. I’m not great at receiving help. That first week I tried to do several things before I was ready, and just ended up more tired and in more pain. Refusing to receive help simply didn’t work.

Learning how to receive help is partly about trust. Can you trust another person to be there for you? If the answer is yes, the next question is this: Can you let your vulnerable self be seen? That’s much harder to say yes to. But learning how to receive help will ultimately strengthen our relationships and increase our sense of empathy and compassion.

Final thoughts

At this point in my recovery, I’m feeling pretty good. But I hope that this time, I will actually learn and keep these lessons about rest. I hope they can be helpful to you too, for when you need much-deserved physical, mental, and emotional rest.

Here’s a crash course in addressing compassion fatigue.

What is compassion fatigue?

Compassion fatigue is a gradual decrease in compassion toward those you serve due to a state of physical and emotional exhaustion. Less compassion and empathy = more apathy toward those you serve = poor care. And if you work with people, providing poor care is probably not what you want! 

The idea of “those you serve” generally implies that compassion fatigue is something that happens to people who work in helping professions, including healthcare, social work, education, etc. Helping professions are at the highest risk for compassion fatigue, but it can also happen to people who work in customer service and have ongoing relationships with clients or customers, as well as people who are personal caregivers for a parent, partner,  relative, or child.

Compassion fatigue comes out in how we work with people. I’m going to use the word “client” to describe the people you may work with or serve at work, understanding that there are many terms and also understanding that “client” doesn’t accurately describe a person you serve in your home as a caregiver. I will try to keep contexts broad whenever possible. 

Compassion fatigue can look like increased apathy toward clients. Or it can look like over-identifying with clients and having poor boundaries. It can mean a poorer quality of care for clients or making more mistakes with their care.

All of these have negative effects on clients, and can make it that much harder for them to meet their goals, get the care they need, and move forward with our lives.

Compassion fatigue is something that happens to us, and yet it ultimately results in harm to the people we want to help. 

How do people get compassion fatigue?

The short answer: problematic systems. In my own field of mental health, I can name a dozen reasons why people get compassion fatigue: low pay, high student loan debt (because therapists have to have a graduate degree), annoying bureaucratic tasks, overwhelming amounts of paperwork, dealing with insurance companies who try to not pay us for services we’ve already provided, constantly absorbing other people’s trauma, not getting many benefits in our jobs, little respect compared to other healthcare professionals, and so many more. 

Compassion fatigue usually occurs in people who are deeply compassionate and caring.

Makes sense right? Your reserves of compassion can’t become fatigued if you didn’t have them to begin with. Compassion fatigue almost always shows up in people who have good intentions and a desire to help, but who get broken down by the systems around them. 

While the specific reasons are individual to each person, it all comes down to this: compassion fatigue results when people are expected to give more of themselves than they are reasonably able to, and don’t get enough back. 

Emotional labor

When you hear the explanation of how compassion fatigue results, you may recognize that it sounds a lot like how people of color may be expected to give more of themselves without getting much back simply by existing in the world. This is true particularly when people of color are expected to educate the world on anti-racism and absorb push-back, confusion, and ignorance from white people all white maintaining their professionalism and poise.

All of this falls under the category of Emotional Labor, and it’s absolutely a cause for compassion fatigue. So if you are a person of color and resonating with the symptoms of compassion fatigue, but feeling like it can’t apply to you because of your job… trust your intuition. You may very well also be experiencing compassion fatigue. 

What are the symptoms of compassion fatigue?

Compassion fatigue can look very similar to PTSD, just related to work or caregiving. Some of those symptoms include over-identifying with clients (poor boundaries), increased apathy toward clients, trouble sleeping, nightmares about work, hypervigilance, an increased startle response, increased anxiety, and avoiding situations that are causing the trauma and loss of compassion.

In addition to these, there are some symptoms that usually show up at work. These include a significant change in boundaries, making more mistakes, seeming distracted or aloof at work, getting overwhelmed by tasks quickly, increased negativity, decreased productivity, using increased sick time, and developing a pretty dark sense of humor.

What can I do about it?

If these symptoms resonate with you, there are absolutely some things you can do to start treating compassion fatigue. 

1. Take control of your schedule and boundaries

If there is any way to switch up your days off to fit your needs better or adjust how long your shifts are, or work remotely part of the time, do it. Give yourself a little more space from work in any way possible.

Taking control of your boundaries usually means saying “no.” Say no to work tasks that aren’t essential. Say no to random committees and workgroups that don’t seem to have much effect anyway. Say no to taking on new clients or responsibilities. It’s okay to just be average and get through your workdays while you’re healing from compassion fatigue.

2. Seek support from a therapist

Compassion fatigue is a form of trauma, so treat it like trauma. A therapist can support you, validate your concerns, and offer more individualized opportunities for healing. 

3. Start doing embodiment work

Embodiment simply means getting more attuned to your own body, her (his/their) needs, and the information she gives you on a daily basis. Start by doing what I just did – calling your body by your gender identity. The more we consider our bodies a critical part of who we are, rather than an object we use, the more we will listen to and respect our bodies.

You can also bring embodiment work into therapy, through techniques like EMDR or somatics. Start keeping a mood tracker, or a cycle tracker, or any other tracker that helps remind you to pause and listen to your body.

4. Take care of your physical health

And speaking of the body, taking care of your physical health is really important when you’re struggling with compassion fatigue. Get your annual check-up. Take your vitamins. Hydrate. Go to the dentist. Actively move your body every day. Eat nutritious foods as often as possible.

You will extend your struggle with compassion fatigue much longer if your body physically doesn’t get the fuel to recover from it. 

5. Find a hobby that’s completely different from your caregiving role or job

My three main hobbies are making soap, gardening, and singing in a local choir. All three are totally different from my job as a therapist, and that’s exactly how I like it.

For those addressing active compassion fatigue, I do not recommend volunteering directly with people or spending all your free time reading about compassion fatigue or mental health.

Do something that activates other parts of your brain and that lets you have fun and be creative. 

Next steps 

If you’re recognizing compassion fatigue in yourself, I hope you can take a few of these steps. Start with whatever feels easiest and has the lowest barrier for you to achieve. And know that compassion fatigue absolutely can get better.

It’s not just you. Feeling too exhausted for self-care is really normal. Let me introduce you to the energy/reward model of self-care. It can help you determine what self-care activities to practice, depending on how much energy you have to put into it, and how much reward you’ll get out of it. 

Low vs. High Energy

First, let’s look at energy. Some self-care activities are low energy, meaning that they don’t require much energy to get started. They’re literally just easier to do. This is different for everyone, but a few examples for me are watching TV, listening to guided meditations, making coffee, taking a bath, and restorative yoga.

All of these activities are fairly easy for me to do without going anywhere or having extra cash, and I can do them even when I’m really tired. Think about things that you can easily do and add them to a list of “low energy” self-care. 

High energy self-care are activities that take a lot of energy to get started. For me, that’s working out (including any yoga that isn’t restorative), going on a hike, or any self-care that requires some planning. Add a few high energy self-care things to your list, and know that these activities might be a little harder to do if you’re feeling pretty exhausted. 

Low vs. High Reward

Next, let’s think about the reward. Some self-care is low reward: it feels good at the moment and maybe shortly after, but it doesn’t last. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s good to recognize when your cup isn’t really getting filled. Reward is incredibly subjective – think about what really makes you feel good!

A few low reward activities for me are TV, scrolling through social media, and mindless snacking. Think about a few low reward activities for you. They work best as self-care “fillers” rather than being the only way you take care of yourself.

Finally, there’s high reward.

These are the things that truly fill you up and can make your whole day better. High reward activities don’t always make your day happier or easier. You might need to cry about something you’ve held inside for weeks, or have a difficult conversation with a friend.

But maybe both of those things offer significant relief. That is still high reward self-care. A few examples for me are spending time with close friends, going out in nature, and making something creative. These are often the most special, but sometimes the most difficult to do on a regular basis.

So… what do I do when I’m exhausted?

When you have very little energy to give, look for self-care activities that fall into both the low energy and high reward categories. These will give you the biggest value for what you are able to put into them. If nothing on your list immediately meets both criteria, then start with your high reward activities and get creative. 

For example, spending time with my close friends is one of my high reward activities. Well, a few of my closest friends live 1000 miles away from me. But we FaceTime, send random gifts and care packages, and write letters to each other! Those things still have a high reward for me. When I’m exhausted, I probably don’t have the energy to put a nice gift together, but we could still FaceTime. And that will still give me a high reward boost.

Your list is completely your own. Maybe watching your favorite show ever is absolutely high reward for you. Perfect! Enjoy that and soak up the self-care. It’s all about making self-care as easy as possible and accepting that you will have different amounts of mental, physical, and emotional energy at different times. The goal is not to “master” self-care or do it perfectly. The goal is simply to fill up your own cup, in whatever ways best support you.

If you’re seeing your therapist by telehealth, here’s how to make it work for you. 

Bring snacks

Bring what you need for your session! You can absolutely have something to drink and snack on if you’d like. Having water, tea, or coffee near will help soothe your throat while you’re talking. And there’s totally a comfort factor in having a warm drink with you. That’s why my office always has tea available!

Try to find privacy

It’s hard to open up to a therapist when you’re just getting started. It’s VERY hard if you’re trying to open up knowing that your roommate could overhear you or your partner might open the bedroom door. Not to mention the fact that well… those are often the people we need to talk about. Try to get as much space as you can for your session, even if it’s in your car. 

If you can’t find a private place, try to find a private time. Schedule around others’ work, school, or just when you know they’ll be out. You’ll feel much more comfortable if you know you are actually alone with your therapist.

And if neither of those are an option, email your therapist in advance and let them know. It may be helpful to set up a codeword or phrase, so that the therapist knows you need to change the subject if you’re being overheard.

Not sure if you want to take the leap into therapy? Check out this post and see if it resonates with you. 

Embrace tech issues – and know the plan 

Tech issues are going to happen with telehealth. Even with solid WiFi and quality platforms, it’s pretty much inevitable. Your therapist should explain what to do if you get disconnected. But if they don’t, and you switch to a new platform, or if you switch devices, speak up so you and your therapist can make a plan! It’s much less awkward and anxiety-provoking if you know what to do ahead of time. 

Bring grounding items

I call my collection of grounding items my “mental health kit.” It’s simply a little bag with lots of sensory items inside: a few essential oil rollerballs for scent, gum, and mints for taste, a small nail brush for touch, a little squishy stress ball for touch, headphones to plug into my phone for sound. Everything was either already at home or I got it in the dollar aisle at Target!

Customize your kit however you like. And then, if difficult stuff comes up in therapy (which it will), you have a few quick grounding and coping skills right there.

Ask for shorter sessions if needed

For some people, it’s hard to fill up an hour-long session over telehealth. If that’s the case for you, it’s totally okay to ask for 30-minute sessions instead. Maybe you’d like to check in with your therapist frequently but in shorter bursts. Talk to your therapist about customizing the length and frequency of your sessions to fit your individual needs.

Mood tracking is a simple and helpful way to see how you’re doing between therapy sessions.

Enjoy the comfort 

The best part about telehealth is the comfort – enjoy it! Wear your pajamas if you want. Bring a cozy blanket. Let your pet sit with you. Burn some sage or light a candle. Find a comfy spot to sit in. Go outside for your session. Play some gentle background music.

Think about the kinds of simple things that help you cope, and then bring them to therapy! Telehealth lets your therapist and you both customize your “office” to be what you need.

While telehealth may not be what you’re used to, it really can be a great way to meet with a therapist and work on your mental health in your own space. I hope these tips can help you make the best of it!

Here are a few quick tips to help you find comfort and growth during this crazy time.

Ones

If you find yourself worried about what you’ll have to show after quarantine, stop. You don’t need to learn a new language, lose 10 pounds with a perfect workout routine, or start a new online business. You’ll be okay if you eat a little too much, or you skip your daily walk occasionally (or often!). Seriously, wtf is the perfect quarantine anyway? It’s ok to just make it through this.

Twos

Let yourself indulge in a little self-care. You are likely worried about everyone else – your friends, family, elderly neighbors, local baristas, post office workers, grocery store workers, the restaurant owner down the street…. If you let yourself focus on it too long, the list becomes literally everyone. You can have a lot of downtime, but still not get any self-care. Focus on what your body, heart, and mind need right now, and let yourself do that.

Threes

Let your to-do list die for a little while and just relax. It’s going to feel like you accomplished nothing, because that’s accurate, and that will be frustrating. But it’s so good to practice just being. Let yourself meditate for the sake of meditating, not to check off how good you’re getting at it. Take a nap when you need it. And for the love of all that is good, give yourself “off” hours while working from home.

Fours

It may be easy to spend a lot of time reflecting on, and wallowing in, your emotions about quarantine. Instead, find a useful distraction. Try a craft, find an audiobook or podcast you enjoy, spend more time cooking, do some at-home yoga. Do things that stimulate your mind and your body, not just your heart.

Wondering how to work from home based on your type?

Fives

You might secretly (or not so secretly) be loving quarantine. That’s completely okay. Enjoy the chance for learning and alone time. But don’t forget about the people who love you. Make an effort to call, facetime, or text at least one person each day. Do your best to stay connected. And before those interactions, take a few minutes.

Sixes

Seriously limit your exposure to coronavirus news and social media. Although you’re likely the best prepared for a quarantine, you’re also probably the most nervous about it. It’s hard enough without the world generating an endless stream of worst-case scenarios for you. Try to make your circle a little smaller right now. Focus on your family, friends, work, and daily life.

Sevens

You’re likely pretty stir crazy by now and really hope that “social distancing” leaves the cultural vocabulary as soon as this is all over.

First, get creative with ways to “leave” your house and connect. Think about virtual tours of museums and parks all over the world, apps to have virtual game nights (like House Party) and happy hours, and even switching up your walk route. But the thing about quarantine is that you simply can’t be as busy or entertained as usual, and learning how to be bored at times is a very important skill.

Pick a couple days per week where you try to embrace staying home and not having anything to do. Let yourself reflect on what that experience is like. 

Eights

You might be powering through all of this surprisingly well. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have any feelings about it. It’s okay to admit that it’s a weird and hard thing. It’s ok to admit that you miss people. And, most importantly, it’s ok to tell those people that.

Find activities that give you purpose, especially if you’re not working right now. Whether it’s a project you’ve been meaning to get to, some kind of volunteering, an online class, or finally going to see a therapist through video chat, find things to do that give your day meaning and let that big heart come out. 

No matter what your type, these tips will help you stay centered during quarantine.

Nines

It might be very easy for you to create a Nine cocoon during all of this: shut out the news and the rest of the world, laugh at memes to keep from crying, and make an incredibly comfortable space in your place full of Netflix, snacks, and blankets.

At first, you might think this is what you’ve needed for months. But after a while, it will likely wear on you. Force yourself to come out pretty regularly. It can be for a walk, a phone call with a friend, or simply to sit outside for a bit. Just find simple ways to keep engaging with the world.

What we believe is what we think… is what we feel… is what we do… is what we become. 

But despite how important beliefs are, we often develop them without consciously realizing it. I hear these common beliefs from twenty-something women all the time, and they’re just not true!

So here are 13 beliefs to go ahead and let go of now, because they simply won’t serve you. 

1. The belief that your career is set in stone. 

Our parents’ and grandparents’ generations generally held the idea that it’s best to find a good job or career, and stay with that company until you retire. That’s just not the case anymore.

It’s very common for people to change careers, and not just in their early twenties, but many years into the workforce. It’s also increasingly common for people to go back to school to learn additional skills.

Basically, if you’re afraid to jump into something, unsure if you can do it for the next 40 years… stop it. The job market is constantly changing. Find what is the best fit at the moment and continue to work on your long-term goals, even if that includes a possible career change.

2. The belief that you cannot make an impact in the world. 

You absolutely can and I don’t care what field you’re in. Will you impact the whole world? I don’t know. But can you impact someone? 100% yes. Maybe it’s through your chosen job or career, maybe it’s on the side. Volunteer. Show kindness and compassion to people you work with. Find a cause you truly believe in and donate. Simply be kind in your daily life.

3. The belief that you know everything you need to know. 

Never stop asking questions, and never stop learning. You don’t know everything. You don’t even know a tiny fraction of everything, and that’s okay and normal. Whether it’s your college major, your career field, current events, your faith or religion, a random interest, or the people around you, keep learning. Those questions help you grow. 

4. The belief that authority is always telling you the truth. 

We so often believe mainstream media, social media, and marketing campaigns without even thinking about them. Or perhaps we say that we know they have their own interests in mind, but we still keep buying their products and sharing their content. Really dig into your values, and discover what truths matter to you. Question claims. Look for the sources of information you discover. Do your own research before sharing.

5. The belief that you have to accomplish _____ before 30.

You don’t have to be married. You don’t have to have kids. You don’t have to own a house. You don’t have to have traveled the world. You don’t have to have a college degree, or a graduate degree. You don’t have to have your career figured out. Whatever expectations were set into your beliefs that you had to do before 30 to be a successful or worthy human being, it’s not true. Your accomplishments are part of your individual journey, and that isn’t on anyone else’s timeline. 

6. The belief that your body is only valuable if she looks a certain way. 

We think our bodies need to look a certain way only because of the time and place we were born into. This article completely fascinates me: the same photo of a young woman was sent to 18 freelance designers in 18 different countries, with instructions to Photoshop the photo to their cultural preferences. And every one of them turned out differently!

There is no one standard of beauty or what you need to look like. Your body is yours, and she is beautiful, talented, strong, and resilient. She has taken you through every journey, joy, hardship, and challenge you’ve ever faced. If you only practice one thing, practice thanking and accepting your body.

7. The belief that you are not enough. 

There is an “enough” mythical standard for basically every demographic, and I’m guessing you’re not it…. Because even the people who are “it” really aren’t it!

No one is the perfect working mom, perfect creativepreneur, the perfect corporate success, perfect wife or girlfriend, perfect influencer, perfect friend, perfect… anything. You bring unique gifts, your voice matters, and you are enough just for being you.

8. The belief that you are too much. 

SAME THING. You can see the standards of perfection out there and think you’re way too much. You’re too loud, opinionated, assertive, ambitious, challenging, or maybe your body literally takes up too much space. It’s all a bunch of crap.

Again, your unique voice matters. You have the responsibility to decide how much is enough and too much for you, and you get to keep people in your life who understand that, and let go of those who will always make you feel less-than. 

9. The belief that you cannot change. 

We hear both “people can change” and “people never change” all the time. I’m in the first group. People absolutely can and do change. And especially if you’re in your twenties, you can and will inevitably change. Every experience of your life will change you, whether it’s a little bit with each good habit you instill or a lot with a life-changing event. Embrace that change and grow with it.

10. The belief that your relationship status will make you happy. 

It truly never will. At least… if you believe it is the only thing that can make you happy. Healthy relationships are beautiful and they absolutely bring happiness, but if you hold a relationship up on this magical pedestal, no real relationship will ever meet your expectations.

Relationships are messy and imperfect, and that can either be part of the beauty or the thing that crushes your unrealistic dreams. 

11. The belief that busyness equals importance. 

We tend to consider being busy as some kind of badge of honor, like we can’t slow down simply because we’re so needed in the world. We’re not. Unnecessary busyness just means that you are more likely to burn yourself out, feel distracted, be less productive, and probably resentful of everything keeping you busy. Instead, prioritize your tasks and make space in your day to just…be. Without your phone, emails, or to-do list. 

12. The belief that all your close relationships should be with your peers. 

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have close relationships with your peers, but when we only spend time with people who are our age, have had similar experiences, or are in the same stage of life, we tend to find ourselves in an echo chamber. 

Find people who are significantly older or younger than you. Learn from their wisdom, and give it back. Find people who have had completely different experiences from you, and see a bigger picture of the world. Find people in a different stage of life, and see how it can contribute to yours, and yours to theirs. 

13. The belief that your life doesn’t matter.

You matter. And honestly, that statement isn’t a stereotypical “you’re special” kind of thing. You’re ordinary. Me too. But you matter, and your contribution matters. And you matter to people in your life, and you’ve made their lives richer and better and fuller and whole. Remember that.