Carla Romo – Life Goals Mag

What To Do When You’re In A Pattern Of Codependency With Carla Romo

Carla Romo — Sun, 22 Dec 2019 15:00:29 +0000

Author’s note:

Carla Romo is a certified dating & relationship coach, author, and speaker. She helps women who feel stuck and stagnant build purpose and confidence in their break-ups, dating life & relationships. Her book, “Contagious Love” is about breaking through codependency, so we asked her all our top questions on navigating out it.

What was your experience with co-dependency and why are you passionate about talking about it?

My entire life up until my early-mid twenties, I was in romantic codependent relationships over and over again. Yes, when I say my entire life, I literally mean since I was a kid. It wasn’t until I was 24 years old and in an abusive relationship that I realized it was a choice I was making to be in these relationships.

I saw two paths in front of me:

1.) Break free from codependency and begin the relationship with myself through self-love or… 2.) Continue self-sabotage, and choosing to act on not feeling worthy or enough.

Well maybe you guessed it, but I ended the abusive relationship and began the most important relationship I will ever have, which is with myself.

Through my own self-love and healing journey, I knew others were going through this and I felt my purpose was to help them. It wasn’t until I was doing research for my new book “Contagious Love: Break Free from Codependency for Damn Good”, that I learned up to 90% of us are codependent. Like holy s*@& that’s a lot, right?

How can we know if we’re codependent or if a partner is? What are the signs?

I talk a lot about this in my book “Contagious Love” because you might be thinking, “Am I the 90%, and don’t know it?” It can be really confusing navigating this space, especially if it’s new to you. Here are some signs you could be codependent:

Not feeling good enough, not following red flags in relationships or on dates, coming up with excuses for your partner/date’s behavior, not disclosing what is happening with friends or family, not following your gut, not having boundaries, trying to fix your partner.

How does codependency start? What is it really about?

It starts with yourself. You may have a parent, significant other, friend or co-worker who has addiction or mental illness, but ultimately you are the one who begins neglecting yourself for others.

Long story short, codependency is when you are obsessing over another person, because they can’t take care of themselves. You can lose your identity, needs, boundaries and life because you’re so focused on this other person. As a result, you have excessive reliance on other people for identity.

Okay, so let’s say we see these patterns in ourselves. What are three things we can do if we want to work on it?

Totally ok if you do. I’ve been there, done that before, girl! And I can reassure you that you’re not doomed.

1. Start by practicing self-love. Look in the mirror and say to yourself, “I love you.” Its a lot easier said than done. If you even have trouble uttering those words, then scale back. Practice just looking in the mirror and saying one thing you’re grateful for in this day.

2. Create a boundary. Boundaries are the gateway to allowing toxic people in and out of your life. They’re essential to your damn sanity. Saying “no” is a boundary. Yes it may feel uncomfortable as hell, but it’s what will give yourself identity.

3. Get a life. Literally, go find a new hobby to do. When you’re codependent you’ve probably neglected a big part of your life and sometimes you’ve neglected your entire life. Pick something that sounds interesting to do, research it and set a date for when you will go after it.

How might someone who is self-partnered practice being less codependent if it was a pattern for them in the past?

Start by getting to know who YOU are without jumping into another relationship right away. Take full advantage of creating self-care by getting adequate sleep, learn what you want and don’t want in a partner, get help from a dating coach to guide you and help you dive into changing these patterns.

This is the time to build that relationship with yourself, which is the foundation for any relationship you will ever have. At the end of the day, you teach people how to treat you by showing up for yourself first.

Is there a difference in how this looks in a committed partnership vs when we’re dating?

Yes and no. Ultimately the relationship you’re in or dates you go on are only a symptom of what you’re truly experiencing within yourself. Add someone into the picture and it just becomes symptoms of codependency.

If you’re in a committed relationship a symptom you may be checking in on your partner or coming up with ways to “fix” their problem.

If you’re dating, maybe it’s moving really quickly in the relationship or trauma bonding AKA diving quickly into family issues or past relationships.

What can people expect from your book, and how can people learn more and keep up with everything you’re doing?

Contagious Love is a gentle but perfect kick in the butt book, where I dish out 12 chapters full of inspiring personal stories, relatable client stories, and go-to advice, with an occasional f-bomb. All this knowledge accompanied with a formula for breaking free from codependent relationships for helping you to:

Build successful intimate relationships
Communicate like a boss
Spot red flags in a relationship
Create relationship boundaries
Cultivate contagious self-love

By the end of this book, you’ll have easy but powerful AF action steps so you can break free from codependency for damn good.

Order Contagious Love or ask me a question via my website www.iamcarlaromo.com and please say hello via IG @iamcarlaromo

8 Ways You Might Be Self-Sabotaging Your Dating Life

Carla Romo — Tue, 19 Mar 2019 13:30:59 +0000

Have you ever been so tired of swiping that you delete the app because you’ve decided you’re better off alone? If the answer is yes, you’re not alone, but you may be sabotaging your dating life.

When you get in your own way, whether it be conscious or subconscious, you end up self-sabotaging.

This doesn’t mean you’re a horrible person who wants the worst for themselves. Usually, as my clients put it, they’re fearful or burned out by the dating world. So, in response to this, they find a way to shut out what it is they truly want: a healthy, happy relationship.

Why? Because somewhere deep within, you have a negative thought that you’re not good enough, lovable enough, or plain and simple, never going to find the right person.

Once you recognize and have the awareness that you’re self-sabotaging, it’s actually quite easy to reverse. If you’re wondering if maybe you’re doing this then look no further.

I’ve got eight ways you might be self-sabotaging your dating life:

Calling it quits to the dating world

It’s easy to justify and think of every excuse as to why you shouldn’t be dating. I’m not talking about the type of person who takes a break to truly grow and focus within. I’m talking about the person that chooses not to date out of fear because they think it’s more painful to keep dating than completely isolating.

Creating rules

There is a huge difference between rules and boundaries for self-respect and self-care. Rules are usually fear-based. They come up as a way to protect ourselves. Keep in mind rules are only used in games. And if you think of dating as a game, well then you can only win or lose. That mindset can hold you back from healthy dating.

Not listening to the red flags

No matter awesome or how cool this guy is, if there are red flags then listen to them. If you know deep within your gut it feels off and it actually is off, don’t keep going with it. This will only cause more problems down the road as things get serious.

Serial dating

Date after date after date stacked up can get tiring, but you keep going because you want that relationship! It can be lonely not knowing when you’ll meet the right person so it’s easier to fill it with a bunch of people. This can actually stunt finding the one because it becomes more of a numbers game by trying to fill a void within.

Creating unrealistic expectations

Sure, it’s ok to expect your date to show up on time and to be polite. But when you start creating expectations that are unrealistic for a first date this can create early resentment. It will ultimately push you away from this person or lead to tension in a relationship.

Refusing to approach

It can be freaking scary to go up to that cute guy at the gym, but doing nothing about it will never get you that date. Avoiding contact with someone because you’re too nervous to talk to them can prevent you from meeting and going on a great date. Don’t be your own gate keeper.

Not respecting your boundaries

If you don’t practice respecting yourself through boundaries on dates then you can end up picking a date who won’t either. You get to make a conscious choice of how you want to approach this. You set the tone of how you treat yourself within which sets the tone for how your date will treat you.

Comparing your date to exes

Not one person is the same. If you find yourself comparing your ex to your date then that can indicate you’re not emotionally healed from your last relationship. Bringing that into an early relationship can get messy. Let’s just say it’s difficult to start a new relationship when you’re still not over your last.

Don’t keep seeing your rebound if you’re not interested

Yes, rebounding is totally normal and it can feel good to know we’re still wanted. It can be a major set back if you continue to date your rebound for the purpose to have someone around even though you’re not interested. This will only distract you from truly using this time to grow within and learn from your last relationship of what you want and don’t want.

How To Build A Relationship With Yourself When You’re Single

Carla Romo — Wed, 13 Feb 2019 17:00:14 +0000

Creating a relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you’ll ever create. How? It’s the foundation for all intimate relationships. When you show up for yourself, you can show up for others. When you’re ready to fall in love or meet that special person, you’ll know exactly who you are. It makes navigating dating and relationships much easier.

Think of building the relationship within as you would treat your BFF. You’re there for her when she gets upset, give her a shoulder to cry on and support her to go out there and be her best. Sometimes the biggest challenge is treating ourselves with that same type of compassion.

It’s easy to fall into a place of self-criticism. At times insecurities and fear speak so loud they feel a part of us. But they don’t have to and there are effective ways to build the relationship within.

So, how do you build a relationship with yourself? You can start here:

Figure out your interests

What are some of your favorite hobbies? The older we get and the busier we are. As a result, we tend to neglect what brings us joy, and it’s ok not to know what exact activities you enjoy.

Finding a way to get out there and be a part of something positive can help build a deeper connection within. Create a list of hobbies you once enjoyed or that you’d like to do. Circle two that resonate with you and set out to do it.

Treat yourself kindly

You are your own worst critic. Even the littlest mistakes can throw our thoughts into negative self-talk. It’s important to find a healthy way to replace negative self-talk with positive self-talk. My favorite way is through affirmations is an “I am” statement, like “I am confident” or “I am worthy of love.”

Doing this helps separate the negative from who you are, so you can own the positive. It’s ok if you don’t fully believe in your “I am” statement. The longer you make it a practice and visualize yourself becoming it, the more it will begin to sink in and resonate with you.

Create a healthy lifestyle

You only have one body your entire life, so you might as well take the best care of it possible. Learning ways to nourish your body through movement and eating is key to longevity. There is real science behind eating nutritious foods that are proven to help brain function.

As for movement, it’s important you find something active you enjoy. So if the gym isn’t your thing that’s ok. Sometimes going for a walk or swim can be great ways to get out and about. Whatever it is make sure it is something you enjoy!

Practice self-care

When was the last time you truly took a moment to pamper yourself? When you take a moment to do something nice for yourself, it helps build appreciation within. It’s ok to take a break and enjoy some R&L.

And sometimes self-care can be thought of as taking care of doctors appointments, taking breaks when life gets crazy, and staying on top of your daily tasks. It doesn’t always have to be at a fancy spa. Although that is a nice break too.

Create your goals into existence

Take action on what you want and stop just talking about it. When you let the fear speak louder and hold you back from your purpose, then it creates a disconnect within. This then links to not feeling like you know who you are.

Create a goal plan for yourself and be realistic. It’s easy to feel eager, go all in, burn out and not finish. Instead, try to come up with an end date first and then work backwards, creating a schedule. This will help you stay organized. Completing goals is a natural self-confidence booster.

What’s your biggest struggle when it comes to building your relationship with yourself? Let’s talk in the comments!

35 Fun Solo Date Ideas for the Self-Partnered Girls

Carla Romo — Wed, 12 Dec 2018 15:00:50 +0000

You’re single. And sometimes you may very well get sick of the same old same old. You watch your friends post their Friday night with their boo on IG while yours consists of solo Netflix and chill.

Instead of questioning if you’ll be single forever, use this time as a way to connect with yourself. It is so important to have alone time and embrace being single because this is where you create a healthy relationship within. The most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself.

So how do you embrace it? Be stuck no more girl. I’ve got 35 fun ideas for living your best single girl life that involve taking care of yourself, making new friends and potentially meeting your next partner.

1. Attend a workshop or event

Find a fun workshop or event like through Create & Cultivate, Almost 30 or Wanderlust. Getting out and finding a strong community of women is key to personal growth.

2. Go for a drive

Make a good playlist and pick a place that you’ll feel inspired by. Listening to music you enjoy releases dopamine. You’ll for sure have the good vibes flowing.

3. Find a pop-up event.

Follow local Facebook groups to find out about spontaneous events in or around your city. You’re an easy google click away from finding free and affordable events with like-minded people.

4. Go to a museum or art gallery.

Open your creative side and get inspired. Connecting with art can be therapeutic.

5. Head to a coffee shop.

Especially ones that are a town or two over to explore new neighborhoods. Getting outside of your daily routine is a great way to spice up your caffeine buzz.

6. Book a yoga or fitness class.

Exercise helps reduce any stress that is not serving you. There are different free or donation-based classes that you can take advantage of.

7. Have a chill night in with your favorite book or movie.

Netflix and chill doesn’t have to be with a date. Sometimes nights in curled up to your favorite show or book can be really relaxing.

8. Pamper yourself with a self-care date night.

You can only be there for someone else if you are taking care of you. Fill up your tub and zen out!

9. Book a spa day.

There is nothing more calming and centering than spending a day on you. Shutting out the outside noise can help ground and center you. If you’re lucky enough to live in New York, go to self-care wonderland @chillhouse.

10. Craft a new wardrobe on shopping spree day.

When you feel good in what you wear you bring confidence to your walk. There are always get discounts and deals, why not take advantage?

11. Schedule in a creativity day.

Do that crafty project or brainstorm ideas for your future business. Meeting goals with creativity can be key to your future success.

12. Take a cooking class.

If you get tired of the same old dinner this is a great way to learn something new to bring to the table.

13. Bring your camera outdoors for a photoshoot.

Find an area that you’ve never explored and photograph it for fun, not necessarily for the ‘gram. Tap into your inner artist.

14. Make baked goods.

Bake something for co-workers, friends or family to enjoy––or just you. It can feel good to whip up a new sweet recipe for others. If you are baking for others try putting them in fun packaging.

15. Go on a hike.

This is such a great way to tap into spirituality. There is something serene about being surrounded in complete silence and your own thoughts.

16. Create a “white space” day.

Mark your calendar for an entire day where you schedule nothing and do whatever you want for the day. It’s ok to take a break. You are ambitious and will continue to be with a day of no plans.

17. Go out for dinner and a movie.

Solo date night is an awesome confidence booster. You get to order whatever you want and laugh or cry to whatever you movie you watch.

18. Book a trip.

Take it up a notch and book a solo trip across the country or better yet, across the world. Getting outside of your comfort zone is key. Plus you never know, you may find your future partner on a solo trip to Vietnam.

19. Play tourist in your city/town.

You never know what is happening right in front of you until you stop and smell the roses. This is a fun way to explore while having a busy schedule.

20. Redecorate your home with fun accessories.

Changing up the mood can create harmony within your home. Head to Home Goods where you can get the designer look for less.

21. DIY.

Did someone say Pinterest? There are millions of options for you. Think about something that you have been wanting to create. Do a quick search and figure out the one that speaks to you.

22. Treat yourself to an ice cream cone at a local shop.

Getting outside of your go-to tub of ice cream can be a great change. This is a fun way to try a new flavor without having to commit to a pint.

23. Take dance lessons.

Who says you need a partner to dance? Bring your positive vibes and mingle with others. This is a great way to make new friends who share your hobby or interest.

24. Go for a walk in the neighborhood.

Don’t text or listen to music but be present to what is around you. Look around the neighborhood and take a moment for yourself. Use this time to be grateful for what you have right outside of your doorstep.

25. Go to your favorite bakery and treat yo self.

#Balance, but for real. Don’t deprive yourself of that delicious muffin you have been eyeing. Part of being kind to yourself is allowing you to enjoy foods that you wouldn’t normally eat.

26. Volunteer at a local soup kitchen or shelter.

It is said that giving back is one of the easiest ways to create pure happiness. Being a part of your community is key because it helps bring you perspective.

27. Go to a play or musical.

Take a moment out of reality and step into pure make-believe. This is a fun way to connect to the characters and feel emotions live.

28. Enjoy a concert or music by a local artist.

Singing your heart out in the car can be fun but there is nothing like listening to your favorite band live. The energy with the music truly comes to life.

29. Unleash your inner daredevil and go skydiving.

Time to cross it off your bucket list. Yeah, it can seem scary but the thrill outweighs the fear. Oh, and it’s a great first-date convo.

30. Road trip to a national park and enjoy nature-filled weekend.

Being outside with the animals, trees, and nature may be exactly what you need. It is a healthy way to disconnect from your busy schedule and social media.

Read next: Try these play activities for your inner child.

31. Go to a farmers market or flower shop and buy yourself flowers.

You don’t have to wait for a man to buy you flowers. Instead, treat yourself the way you want to be treated.

32. At-home facial and don’t forget to grab your favorite book.

This is fun because it’s an easy way to change up a Tuesday evening without going out of your way. A little self-care and intellect are good for your soul.

33. Get a mani & pedi

Pick out a unique color or design. It’s important to give yourself an hour of you time. Plus you will walk away feeling fun with your new color.

34. Pull out acrylics, grab a paintbrush and express yourself on a canvas.

This can help release any anxiety or stress that you may be having. Even if you are not a Picasso it can still be a release.

35. Garden or plant a houseplant.

Garden a vegetable or herb and cook with it. This would be the true meaning of farm to table.

What Does A Day In The Life Of A Dating Coach Look Like?

Carla Romo — Sun, 15 Jul 2018 15:38:17 +0000

I am Carla Romo and I am a certified dating and relationship coach and speaker. I help clients with anything from finding “the one” to toxic relationship patterns. My focus is empowering those who feel stuck and stagnant build purpose and confidence in their dating, relationships, and breakups. I work with clients one on one and host workshops.

You may be wondering how does one manage to become a dating and relationship coach. Well, after finding myself in a toxic relationship I knew something needed to change. I had a moment with myself (in Ireland on a solo trip, of course!) where I saw two paths shining brightly upon my face: continue living a lonely life of unworthiness or live fearlessly with self-love and purpose. At that moment I knew I had to choose the path of self-love and purpose.

I ended that relationship and began the relationship with myself. I really spent a lot of time figuring out what exactly I wanted in a partner, why I was attracting toxic relationships and basically how to date while being confident AF about it. Since then I have been in healthy relationships and I am currently in one now.

I knew there were others out there who were struggling with dating, breakups, and relationships and so I got certified to coach, quit my job and started my business. Zero regrets and best decision I ever made.

5:43 a.m. — Woke up naturally and decided to stay up since my alarm was going to go off at 5:58 a.m. I am a morning person anyway and love started my day before the rest of Los Angeles rises.

6 a.m. — Grabbed my laptop and picked out music for my weekly YouTube video that I release every Wednesday on dating, breakup and relationship advice. True story: The reason I am doing this at 6 a.m. is that I was too tired last night to finish. Cheers to being a morning person!

7 a.m. — Gym. My workout feels very therapeutic and it reduces a lot of stress. I workout five days a week, four days at the gym and one hiking. I usually lift weights but I have a shoulder injury from surfing, so I did a spin class instead. In a way, it’s fun to mix up my workout routine!

8 a.m. — Walked home from the gym, washed dishes (S/O to no dishwasher!), made a protein shake, checked on my YouTube upload, created my daily Instagram post @iAmCarlaRomo (I create every morning except Saturday because I believe in balance and a day without work), showered, put on makeup (we’re talking B.B. cream and mascara), and made eggs. Yes, I swear I did this all in an hour.

9 a.m. — Client call – I do all of my clients calls on Skype or over the phone

10 a.m. — Client call – My calls are confidential, so I don’t discuss what I talk about with my clients.

11:15 a.m. — Began putting together my weekly newsletter that I send out every Wednesday. I always include a link to my new Youtube video and usually include a blog article I wrote or one if I’ve been featured in Bustle, etc.

12 p.m. — Took a break, ate strawberries and cottage cheese (I loveeeee cottage cheese). Breaks are essential. I create timed breaks and this helps create work boundaries for myself. Next, I video called my boyfriend–thank God for WhatsApp! I am currently in a long distance relationship, so my boyfriend and I video chat around this time daily. Since we can’t physically see each other often, I create time in my schedule to make our relationship work. We also communicate really well about our expectations being far from one another and what our needs are for our relationship.

1 p.m. — Made a Sun Basket meal that I got a coupon for. I saved half for dinner.

2 p.m. — Brainstormed blog article ideas and caught up on personal bills.

3 p.m. — Played catch up on emails. This is the time I start to fade a bit. I am such a morning person and as you can see, I stack my schedule in the morning, because that works for me.

Figure out what works for you and create a mock schedule to follow. It’s a great way to stay organized while making sure your personal needs are being taken care of, AKA self-care!

4 p.m. — Snacked on a peach and relaxed. Usually, when I relax I sit in silence and meditate. I work on shifting my fear or anxiety to positive thoughts. Meditation does not have to mean sitting in a yoga studio or guide, it can be as simple as getting quiet and focusing on something positive.

5 p.m. — Chilled on my phone and got on IG and Facebook.

6 p.m. — Hopped on a call with another coach that I am co-hosting a workshop event with on July 21st. Good news, we have found our location! I feel relieved because that part stressed me out. Yes, coaches get stressed themselves!

7 p.m. — Done with my business tasks for the day. Reheated the other half of my meal I made for lunch and ate dinner.

8 p.m. — I chilled on the couch and watched season two of Queer Eye. It’s so so amazing.

9 p.m. — Got ready for bed. Flossed (Yes I actually floss every night), brushed my teeth, took my vitamin D and Allegra pill (I have chronic hives but the Allegra keeps them away) and got in bed.

10 p.m. — Passed out.

As an entrepreneur, I work every day piecing together the puzzle of my business. There are so many moving parts, but it’s important that I create boundaries for self-care like breaks, eating all of my meals, getting 7-8 hours of sleep, showing up on time to client calls, working out and taking time to be present in my relationship. All of these seem like individual pieces, but when you pack them in one day they add up. If I am ever feeling too stressed in my day, I usually will take a pause and remind myself I do not need to be superwoman today.