But some days don’t feel productive and some feel amazing. Why is that?

Most times it’s because we are struggling to be organized enough to efficiently get through your day. I have found that when laundry isn’t done, my closet isn’t organized, dishes are in the sink, my car is a mess, I feel frustrated when I can’t find something I need at that moment. In other words, I want to feel supported simply by having things in a certain spot to make my routine easier in order to turn my focus on more important tasks at hand. Although we can’t have everything be perfectly organized all of the time, we can keep the most important parts of our lives as organized as possible to make us feel calm, controlled, and collected, which gives us the confidence we need to be our best selves. 

Here are 20 ways to feel organized in 30 minutes. 

1. Make your bedroom, including your closet, your sanctuary by simply throwing a load of laundry in to finish later, lining up your shoes, turning on an essential oil diffuser, and/or making your bed.

2. Keep your favorite tea/coffee/alcoholic beverages stocked, ready to make when you want to unwind.

3. Cut down on your papers, throwing out unnecessary documents and scanning and filing necessary documents (10 minutes each day until completed).

4. Write love notes to yourself and post them in places you frequent the most, bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, work desk, vehicle, etc. 

5. Use Siri and/or Alexa to set re-occurring weekly reminders for grocery lists, deadline sensitive to-dos, calling friends and family, birthdays, etc. 

6. Make a list of wants to accomplish for one week and set reminders to do each one of them using post-it notes or electronic methods. These are your steps to get you to your long-term purpose.

7. Clean out your car. It will make you feel relaxed when going from one place to another and believe me, this makes a huge impact on your mental health. 

8. Throw out items you don’t need. Why are you keeping them?

9. Take 15-20 minutes to do a facial, do your nails, and/or shave your legs. Giving yourself love makes you feel organized and centered internally.

10. Read a book or listen to a podcast for a few minutes each day on topics that supports your long-term purpose.

11. Organize your workspace, posting inspirational photos and sayings, reminding you why you work so hard. 

12. Listen to a podcast on world events such as The Daily, or NPR, to keep you up-to-date on global news.

13. Schedule time for yourself, with friends, family, your dog, using either a paper and/or electronic calendar and most importantly, follow it.

14. Drink lots of water each day, preferably half of your body weight. My mood, my skin, and my productivity stems from whether I’m hydrated. This is a super easy way to feel organized that we often overlook.

15. Go for a quick walk, jog, or run to get your endorphins moving.

16. Do something kind for someone else. This reminds us of what we are grateful for in our lives. 

17. Say no to requests that aren’t healthy, productive, and/or meaningful to you. If you have something important scheduled, don’t easily give up that slot. This is tough for me since I love helping others but sometimes you have to focus on you in order to deeply impact others in a meaningful way.

18. Keep your desktop clean at all times. In other words, have a place for every file so that you feel less scattered. I get anxiety when I see my entire desktop full of files.

19. Find ways to make things easier, such as grocery shopping by using delivery services, amazon to organize private and public lists for gifts and your wants, enter everyone’s birthday on the calendar with reminders, etc. We have so many tools at our disposal, so use them to make your life easier. 

20. Ask your closest friends what they do to feel organized and what works for them might work for you. 

This list is unconventional but it works. I do these actions as much as possible to feel organized so when chaos hits me, I’m ready to be adaptable. This goes back to a basic principle, when you take care of you, then you can take care of others in such a powerful, unique, way, all while making forward steps towards your long-term purpose/s. 

Please let me know if and how these steps are working or not working for you!

I believe that meaningful changes happen for us by incorporating all aspects of ourselves, and we cannot have one without the other. For example, when a 10-year relationship ended, I started running and got into great shape but my heart and my soul were still in pain so I sought therapy and a life coach and built my skills. If I hadn’t helped the other two parts, I imagine that I would have projected that into various other areas of my life in negative ways. Ensuring that all aspects: mind, body, and soul, are strong, is how we feel fully and deeply alive. I love helping people build these skills through one-on-one coaching, workshops, podcasts and writing articles.

In my government sales role, I help my customers solve their problems with various solutions, and find the products they need to accomplish their mission, create a safe and healthy work environment, and manage taxpayer funds efficiently. I am also growing as sales professional through participating in leadership trainings, networking, as well as coaching sales teams. I also volunteer on a Business Resource Group that collaborates across the company to pave the way for more women to hold leadership positions at all levels within the company. 

Workweek at a Glance

This is all accomplished through creating a strategic schedule with great tools, designed for me to accomplish the goals that matter most to me: educating my customers to increase sales, coaching team members to reach their full potential, and improving equality within the company. 

As you can imagine, my days are never the same. Each one offers something new and different to keep me engaged.

5:30am – My alarm rings, I get showered, get ready, make to-go coffee to drink at work, feed and walk Cooper, my dog, leave by 6:40am to arrive at work by 7am.

Walking Cooper is time for me to meditate, zone out, or think about my day ahead while spending time with him. If I have an important meeting, this is when I mentally, emotionally, and spiritually prepare, making sure I’m my very best at accomplishing the higher-level purpose. 

7am-8am – Arrive at work and the first thing I do is review my outlook calendar for the day, and the week. Typically, I spend the first hour checking my sales numbers, responding to emails, and researching accounts. 

8am – This particular day I had a meeting with a mentor to review the facilitation I’m leading in October on the topic of men taking credit for women’s work (based upon Women at Work Harvard Business Review podcast) for the Women’s Business Resource Group. My mentor actually asked me if I’d be open to being nominated for the leadership team and I said yes! 

8am-11am – Monday/Wednesdays I call my state and local accounts and Tuesday/Thursdays I call my primary education accounts with all notes and information tracked in Salesforce. This call block #1 of the day, learning more about my customers on specific topics (i.e. budget-capital expenditures, small and large projects, or sustainability initiatives). 

11:30am – I complete administrative tasks, respond to emails, create quotes, call customers back, etc. using Salesforce. 

11:30am-12:30pm – This is lunch time where I typically bring a salad, apple, and cheese to either sit with colleagues, or eat and read for some quiet time.

12:30pm – 1pm – More administrative tasks, emails and calls.

1:30pm-2pm – On this day I participated in a conference call discussion for the Women’s Business Resource Group around how to increase women’s career confidence. 

1pm – 3:30pm – Again on Monday/Wednesdays, I call my state and local accounts and Tuesday/Thursdays I call my primary education accounts all information and notes tracked in Salesforce. This call block #2 of the day, learning more about my customers on more specific topics (i.e. contract reviews, or program initiatives, etc.). 

3:30pm – 4pm – This part of the day is flexible. Sometimes I keep conversations with customers as a priority or if I have a lot of administrative tasks, I complete them, setting up my inbox to be as clear as possible for the next day. I try to leave each day with my inbox full of emails without the scrollbar appearing, organizing my completed emails in folders, and adding reminders to my calendar for follow-ups.

This schedule works very well for me most of the time. I strategize every six months 1-2 hours on what I want to accomplish and why. From that comes my schedule (see redacted example). Where it doesn’t work is on my reactive days when getting many incoming phone calls, problem solving and handling urgent requests, which is OKAY! Not every day will move as planned. 

4:15/30pm – Arrive home and walk Cooper, decompressing from my day with my boyfriend joining the walks on occasion.

When we feel up for it, Christopher and I will go to the gym or go on a run outside. Lately, we’ve had a lot going on (we’re buying a home!) and will eventually get back into our routine of going three times a week because we enjoy working out together.  

5pm – I feed Cooper dinner and Christopher starts cooking dinner and we debrief from our day and talk about upcoming day.

5:45pm – We eat dinner and watch TV – we love Diagnosis, The Good Place on Netflix, and Modern Family, and 90Day Fiancé.

9pm – I love to read a few pages before bed of a devotional or self-help book, such as Presence by Amy Cuddy. 

9:30pm – I take Cooper out and now it’s time for bed! I sleep with an oil diffuser and box fan to help me get solid REM sleep to feel refreshed. 

As I reflect back on this day and the week I realize that sometimes I have to say no to opportunities if they don’t fit within my ultimate goals. I became involved in two formal bidding opportunities with a large county account but then chose not to move forward them since the work involved to possibly win the bid may not produce enough payoff. I had already invested time, but decided to say no. 

Another reflection is to spend more time doing things I love simply because I love them, not to accomplish anything. Schedule a hair appointment, get a massage, take a walk alone, go to the gym and do what you feel like doing, etc. Too often I lean on being productive to fill me up, instead of just filling up my heart and soul with love and kindness. In fact, I will put time on my calendar for whatever I feel like doing or not doing this week to make it a priority. 

What I do on my non-office days: Whatever I want!

-Schedule only fun plans with family, friends, or solo couple time

-Ensure there is plenty of relaxation time for sleeping in and lounging 

-FaceTime my older sister and 4 nieces, and also text/talk to my younger sister

-Walk Cooper on a longer walk and listen to a podcast (Oprah’s Super Soul or The Daily) or my favorite music playlist (Ariana Grande, Post Malone, Coldplay, etc.)

-Shop at the grocery store and do laundry (which can be quite relaxing)

-Write content for workshops, record podcasts, write down creative ideas with actions items

-Google Hangout with my family every Sunday night at 7:30pm to catch up from the week

I’m an ambivert, which is someone who is a combination of introvert and extrovert. I need both alone time and social time to recharge and with social media distractions, needs of others, and a fast pace life. It’s important to have a planned schedule based upon what matters to me most so I can say no to the opportunities that don’t fit within my goals. 

Start planning 30 minutes each week, writing down your beliefs, making sure you are doing something each day that reflects those beliefs. Then, start putting actions that support your beliefs into a schedule, acting upon it, and little by little, you will feel more fulfilled and empowered by what matters to you most! You have the decision to take back your time, so let’s do it!

We live in a culture that follows structured schedules in order to be productive but not all of us enjoy checking multiple calendars to keep up with daily demands. How do we strike a balance between structured time and flexible time?

I believe we can be more skilled at developing a healthy balance. In my previous “Organize Your Life” article, I spoke about how to elevate your time management skills by viewing the bigger picture to help you see that sometimes underneath your time management struggle is fear, lack of direction in financial, personal, and professional areas, and deciding to listen to the ego convincing us we need to do it all. I challenged you to journal this process for thirty days to see if you’ve progressed. These same skills apply when enhancing your scheduling and planning skills. Beyond applying the skills, I’d love to share tools that support the skills that work best in my daily routine.

Use reminder tools on your phone

We all have the ability to use this function but often forget it exists. I like to set a reminder to do something, and once it pops up I’ll either do it then, or make time on my calendar and also set a deadline. I typically use Google calendar, using separate personal and professional calendars, sharing with others to keep organized and efficient. When I check my calendar before committing to obligations this system works wonderfully.

Use the flag (Apple) or star (Gmail) function in your email

I use this as a to-do list. Your email usually stays full and this function allows you to mark all the emails you need to act upon and/or respond to now or within a week or two. You can also only look at the flagged or starred list which helps you get less distracted.

Take 30 minutes on Sunday night to plan your week

I love paper calendars but am unable to easily share them with my partner (he travels 25%+ out of the year) making them inefficient for us. If your only tracking your calendar for you, I think the paper calendar is the best method. Writing things down makes it easier to remember.

Have a limit to your weekly commitments and say no when your limit is reached

Use your time management skills well and know when your schedule is too full. This is often a struggle for me but I always go back to the same questions: “Am I afraid to fail this person or task? Will this activity help me reach my financial, personal, and/or professional goals? Am I only doing this to feed my ego?” When I look at my schedule and feel overwhelmed, it’s time to say no.

Block out self-care time on your calendar

My former supervisor was fantastic at not only utilizing her calendar, but also sticking to it. This taught me to respect others’ calendar blocks, and respect my own as well; block out an entire Saturday afternoon where you take a road trip, listen to audiobooks, run outside, call your best friend, or read a book. Make time and commit to it.

The underlying thread is to take care of you. Try implementing one of these tools at a time over six months and see how much more organized you are while also gaging how much more quality time you’ve offered yourself, your family, your friends, and your career.

Amy Cuddy is the author of the book “Presence,” and presented a popular TED Talk, “Your Body Language May Shape Who You Are.” Her research suggests that powerlessness disconnects us from ourselves making it difficult to truly be authentically present. Her definition of presence is, “the state of being attuned to and able to comfortably express our true thoughts, feelings, values, and potential.”

Amy Cuddy’s research shows that power is presence. With that being said, the opposite of power is powerlessness or the disbelief that you have power. This is why it’s very important to implement your goals with power. The question is: How do you go about doing this?

Stay in tune with yourself

Being present comes and goes. It’s something we have to wake up each day and intentionally choose. Whatever helps you stay in tune with yourself, do that before moving forward with your goals. Talk therapy, journaling, talking to friends, exercising, etc. all are possible ways to help keep you present. Choose to not rush through your day, but make every day count and make every day meaningful.

Collaborate with others

If you think about how you’ve gotten this far in life, it’s likely due to a team of caring and intelligent people. We don’t always have to reach our goals alone. Think about asking a friend or several friends to join you in reaching your goals and don’t be afraid to reach out to others for advice while you’re reaching goals. People can provide a healthy amount of encouragement and accountability. Open yourself up to others for feedback and help.

Put yourself out there

I’m talking about butterflies in your stomach. Reach the goals that make you terrified. Face your fears so that you have one less fear in your life. Over the last three years I’ve faced many of my fears. Abandonment, drowning, being alone, sacrificing too much for the unknown, not being successful enough, etc. and each time I face one of these fears, I feel more and more presence. I feel and think in a grounded way in almost every decision I make. The power is ingrained in who I am, not just what I do.

Practice healthy boundaries

As I get older I realize how messed up life can really be for me and everyone else. It’s imperative to learn how to be empathetic without internalizing other people’s pain and drama. This starts with creating healthy boundaries through being an excellent listener, using your body language and empathetic skills to relay that you care, but remaining removed from the situation.

In other words, you choose not to feed into workplace, family, or friend gossip because gossip is toxic. Gossip can create inauthentic and untrue perceptions of situations, others, and us. These false perceptions can alter our presence making it difficult to stay centered and reach our goals from a place of power. Obviously gossip can also be a band aid for a much needed difficult conversation. Choose to stay true to you and others.

Amy Cuddy writes, “It’s about being present in the moments that most challenge us. It’s also about trusting that those moments build upon themselves as we nudge ourselves forward, reinforcing our thinking, feelings, and physiology. Ultimately these moments can change our lives.”

I overload myself at times, stretching myself so thin that I start making major mistakes, grow exhausted, and eventually burn out. My partner often jokes that I try to save the world, and it’s true, but not to the detriment of my relationships or myself.  I believe in following your passions, but with intelligence not with destruction to oneself. Let me be more specific.

In one day I can be a Parent Liaison at an elementary school; personal coach for my life coaching company, rundeep; voice tracker for a radio station; chair of a sponsorship committee for an international association; networker for my career; tutor for a sixth grader; blog writer for Life Goals Mag; local coordinator for an international exchange program; partner; daughter; sister. Time management is an art of multi-tasking demanding priorities and people.

I tend to jump into tasks quickly and curiously. I’ve mostly figured out what works for me. This isn’t without previously crashing and burning multiple times. I’d love to share how I’ve been able to handle all of these roles and tasks in one day, often at the same time. My goal is to professionally grow while making a meaningful impact on the most in need.

The following steps help me manage a busy schedule to meet my goals.

Face your fears

Write them down and be intentional about confronting them. If you’re fearful of failing, fail. If you’re fearful of drowning, learn to swim. I’m terrified of drowning and now internationally certified to sail a 20-27 feet keelboat. It’s frees you from making future cloudy decisions. Without fear, you’re making decisions purely from self-love, not from a place of fear.

Make intentional decisions to reflect your life goals and passions, and take risks

I was living in a beautiful, but expensive area for years. My finances were tight, I was struggling to see a future in my current job, and a couple family members were very sick 2,500 miles away. I was able to enjoy running, hiking, and bike riding nearly every day. The location fit my progressive value system perfectly.

After a year of contemplating relocating to my hometown, I decided it would support my personal, financial, and professional goals to relocate. I spend more time with my family, work in a fulfilling position, find alternative ways of running, hiking, and biking, and save more money to travel instead of spending it on rent each month.

Take stock of where you’re feeling stressed in your life, and ask yourself where you can decide to make intentional changes to support your life goals and passions.

Realize you’re not invincible

You can’t do it all and if you try, you’ll burn out. Believe me, I’ve done it. Say no to the tasks that don’t serve your ultimate life goals and passions. We have been taught the more you do, the better, but whatever you’re doing that isn’t truly supporting your life goals and passions is draining your energy.

Find the tasks that provide you with meaningful substance, instead of focusing on the tasks you think will get you “ahead.” Write down the tasks that make you feel energized and make you feel drained; cut down or cut out those draining tasks.

Put these steps into practice for thirty days and see if your time is well spent doing the things that energize you, and help you accomplish your financial, personal, and professional goals.

As a life coach I walk you through bigger picture steps to help you see that sometimes underneath your time management struggle is fear, lack of direction in financial, personal, and professional areas, and deciding to listen to the ego convincing us we need to do it all.

Consider hiring a life coach to help you better manage your time. Sometimes we need a different perspective in order to pull us out of our mindsets that aren’t working for us. Accountability motivates us to prove to ourselves that we can succeed at accomplishing the toughest task of all, managing our time.

I challenge you to put these steps into practice for thirty days and log your journey. I hope you discover freedom, energy, self-love versus ego, resulting in enjoyable and efficient management of your time.

Bravery helps us let go of control and places us into situations that challenge us. This is called growth, whether you failed or succeeded. You learned something that you didn’t know before through confidently holding steady.  I believe choosing to be brave is essential for us to reach our potential and feel deeply fulfilled. Otherwise, how will we grow? It’s easy to stay safe, and much harder to be brave.

I’ve made many unpopular decisions in my life. Decisions relating to where I live, where I work, who I marry, what I believe; I have no regrets because from each controversial decision came meaningful growth and direction. This is how we discover who we are and our path. Opening yourself up to bravery can help you discover hidden beautiful parts of yourself.

How can we be braver? These suggestions can help you feel more confident and educated in your decision to be braver. We make the best decision we can in the current circumstance we’re in.

Incorporate others advice, but ultimately, listen to yourself

I’ve discovered that it’s easy for others to tell you what to do when they aren’t going to suffer the potential consequences. Ultimately, you will and therefore, make a decision based on what you think and feel.

Research before proceeding

There are a plethora of resources that can help you make a well thought out decision but we often forget to seek them. Watch instructional videos, read books and articles, and get educated.

Be centered

I know this sounds very bohemian but stay with me. As a Life Coach, I believe the mind, body, and soul have to connect in order for long-term change to occur. Without tending to one, you are disconnected from yourself. Get yourself connected through practicing something in all three areas (i.e. journal for the soul, research for the mind, and workout for the body). Doing so will help you stay balanced so you can make a solid decision. I’ve thought of my most creative ideas and made some of my hardest decisions when I was practicing this philosophy. Try it out!

Take your time

Avoid rushing or giving into pressure to hurriedly make a decision. Think about it, sleep on it, feel it without judgment from yourself and others. Why are you in a rush and is their actually a deadline? If you are unsure, wait. Fight against the temptation to make a rash decision until you’re ready.

I’ll leave you with Brene Brown’s quote from her book, “Daring Greatly, “ that was part of Theodore Roosevelt’s speech Citizenship In A Republic, delivered at the Sorbonne in 1910: 

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

If you’re interested in finding a romantic partner, make a cup of coffee/tea, grab your computer/phone, listen to your favorite playlist, and start typing your age, occupation, hobbies, interests, qualities, wants, and needs in order to be matched with your possible soul mates. Complex algorithms will generate matches for you so you can start messaging to see if you feel a connection. Call me old school, but this way of finding a mate seems very foreign to me.

I’d like to talk about why I’m an online dating virgin. It’s actually not intentional, but happened over time. I’m the only person in my friend group that hasn’t used them and often gets questioned as to why I haven’t. My friends’ talk about all the people they are messaging and/or dating, and it sounds exhausting. Even dating more than one person is too much for me. I’ve been dating someone, and casually talking to others, but even that can get confusing. This is not to say there I’ll never go digital, but for now, I choose not to. 

My relationship history is that I was married for six years and divorced two years ago.  I met my ex-partner on a religious mission trip in the Philippines in junior high; we became friends over several years, starting dating in college, and then got married after graduating. We were young and grew to be very different people to simplify the very complicated relationship. After I divorced, I jumped into the dating pool. Over two years I dated one outstanding man with two kids who I met through work, and the rest I met organically while out and about or through friends. Out of six, two were serious relationships, lasting more than six months. The two were fantastic men, but they weren’t the right men for me. One I’m still close with today.

There’s something charming about going to post office to buy stamps and the postman asks you to write your name and number on your receipt, or an intruder comes to your office and a handsome, single, law enforcement officer happens to be walking by at that moment, intervenes, and is brave enough to ask for your number. I understand the chances are slim of this turning into true love, but it’s romantic.

Reason #1: I’m a classic romantic. Think Sleepless in Seattle and You’ve Got Mail.

I never realized I was a classic romantic until I started resisting online dating. My hesitance comes from the fact that I want an unexpected romantic story. I want to be working hard in my career, having fun with my girlfriends, drinking a cup of coffee, shopping for groceries, then “it” happens. “It” meaning someone respectable, handsome, intelligent, enters my life. You know what I’m talking about. When you meet this person your life is forever changed. This is not to say that meeting online isn’t romantic. I believe it’s a special way to meet, considering how many matches you sort through. It’s just not part of my story yet.

Reason #2: I’m a conflict resolution specialist. I stress the importance of in-person and non-verbal communication.

Both of these are mostly missing in the digital world of dating. It’s not just about the guilt I’d feel for being a hypocrite but more about believing what I teach to be true. For example, I was coaching a Chinese-American student about her email to a professor, and realized that she would never actually say what she typed if she was face-to-face with the professor. We often exaggerate, saying things we would never say in person because it’s safer. I communicate most authentically when in-person. One-way communication has it’s benefits, but what’s best for me is having the opportunity to read their facial expressions, see their hand gestures, and hear their tone of voice in order to correctly understand what they are saying.

Reason #3: I’ve always been unconventional. Sometimes my stubbornness clouds my logic, driving me to go against the norm.

My stubbornness can be a personality flaw (thank you Dad!). From when I was in junior high and went thrift store shopping instead of going to Abercrombie & Fitch or working instead of getting into trouble, I have always swam upstream when everyone was swimming downstream.  This quality drives my friends and family crazy. This is likely part of the reason why I haven’t jumped into the online dating bandwagon. But eventually, I might go digital to find love if love doesn’t find me.

I wish you the best of luck in finding your special someone, whether it be organically or online. We all have our own paths to love and I sincerely hope you find yours.

As I’m sure you’ve discovered, there is no one answer to family relationship challenges. What I can offer is describing what I’ve done so far with the jury still being out on whether or not my actions were effective. Feel free to share how you’ve dealt with a long-standing conflict with someone you love and cherish within your immediate family.

In my conflict, my character was questioned after a thirty-two year close sibling relationship. My sister pushed me away, along with my two nieces, who I’m close to and dearly love after I just moved 2,500 miles to be closer to my family. This was devastating. I apologized, but no change resulted. I’ll keep it simple, but it’s of course, a complicated relationship with extrinsic influencing factors.  How do you deal with being pushed away?  I’m still learning how to effectively deal with this myself.

Silent patience

After a few text wars between my sister, and also me, and my brother-in-law including many hurtful accusations, I went ghost. When in heated discussions over text or in-person sometimes everyone needs space to think about the situation. This is still occurring. I believe the situation would’ve worsened if the conversations continued.

Remain kind 

After much experience over the years, I try to always choose to be mature and kind. This is very difficult when words are being slung around towards you that you can’t believe you’re hearing from someone who knows you well, and loves you deeply. Stay kind so you don’t have any regrets. This isn’t something I did and wish I would’ve.

Focus on the present issue 

When issues surface often times many other past issues surface or even resurface. This can be destructive or productive depending on how well you and the other parties are listening to and understanding each other. From my observations this goes south quickly due to the success or failure of addressing the compounding issues. Ask yourself, “what is the actual issue?”

Think about your life without them

We take our family for granted at times. When you’re irritated, frustrated, and/or angry, think about your life minus them. How does it look? How does it make you feel? What do they mean to you? Then, reassess your reaction and language. It’s cliché but life is just too short to push them away because of a disagreement. This leads me to my next point.

Agree to disagree

We’re all uniquely designed, which is the beautiful part about being you, but this can cause friction within families. Sometimes accepting your differences allows for the relationship to continue without resentment. Due to us having egos and the drive to be right, we miss this step. We have to fight against our inner mean girl to break through to the mature open-minded self.

Apologize 

This may seem obvious but it’s not something we like to do. Say that you’re sorry for what you did to create the problem. Remember that the only person you can control is yourself. Be a part of the solution, not the problem.

Forgive

Even though you may not understand what happened and may never will think about letting it go. Forgiveness is key to mending relationships. If you want to start a healthy relationship with them again, or simply move forward in your life, forgiveness (from your end) is essential. I understand there are circumstances where this may be the ultimate challenge.

Before reacting, step back and ask yourself what you really want. Do you want to preserve the relationship or be right? Do you want to maintain the relationship and apologize? Do you want to create strict boundaries after dealing with reoccurring fights about the same issue, despite the fact that they are family? What do you want and need? How can you contribute towards a collaborative solution? I challenge you to rise above your surface, egocentric disposition, and instead act with your deep, loving self (the challenge is for me too!). 

Unfortunately, there’s no way to immediately know within a few minutes of a personal or professional interaction. I’ve been married and divorced. I’ll never forget hearing all the marriage tips, listening to all the wisdom from long-lasting marriages, and seeing the sparkle in others eyes as I naively describe a lofty plan for our future marriage. My last name changed, and spousal language ensued. All was well with people assuming I’d gotten married because I did.

What if you change your last name back to your maiden because you don’t want to continue to carry your spouses’ last name? What if you change your last name back to your maiden because you separated and/or divorced? It can be an awkward conversation if others are assuming you’ve gotten happily married, but you haven’t. What I’ve started to say is that I’ve gotten happily divorced.

Divorce (dun dun duuun), is a negative word but what it means to me is separation from what was an unhealthy relationship. There was no cheating, no one problem, but conflicting pathways, struggle, and unhappiness. I felt stuck, unsupported the last few years, even after much psychological application. This is why I understand divorce is hard, sad, and downright painful but it’s a choice and shouldn’t be viewed from a victim mentality. I chose divorce, I chose to change my name, and I’m still just as intelligent, strong, and centered as I was before. There is no need for “I’m sorry,” or “That sounds really hard.” The last thing I need is someone feeling sorry for me. I want people to celebrate the decision of freedom from something once unhealthy.

I’ve been the person to respond awkwardly, and now I’m more mindful about what I say to others who have 1) changed their name and 2) mentioned they are divorced. Here are a few thoughts to ponder for those being probed about their recent divorce or last name change.

Be direct

My name change was a problem professionally when switching back to my maiden name after my divorce. I changed my signature email, membership name, etc., and the emails, and conversations started pouring in. Most sounded something like “Is there a congratulations in order?” I responded by saying something like, “I appreciate you noticing, but am happily unmarried.” I think the best policy is to be direct and honest. Respond kindly but be true to you.

Know that you don’t owe anyone an explanation

I’ve also discovered that after the original question is asked, some others expect more information, digging for some explanation. I usually think to myself, “Do you have a few days for me to go over my ten year relationship?” Frankly, this is no one’s business and you don’t owe anyone any explanation of what occurred between you and your partner. I try to stay as authentic as possible by saying something like, “Thank for asking. I’m really happy with my decision (long pause).”

Be patient with others who are asking probing questions

Most care, and some simply want to know for their own purposes. It’s okay to be private and brief with no guilt. I’m learning that remaining firm on my responses tells others what they need to know.

If appropriate, use humor to deflect from the question

It’s okay to refer to celebrity uncoupling or change the subject. This is one of my fallbacks if I’m feeling lazy with my cognitive and authentic responses. If only I could count how many times this has come up when I wasn’t expecting it.

Be confident

I live by the philosophy that even when you’re struggling with how you’re dealing with the decision, stay confident with others on your decision. It’s easy to get bogged down by others opinions and judgments. Listen to them when you’re ready, not when they are projecting onto you.

Be sensitive and respectful if you’re the asker of the question. You never know what others are going through, and this one question could potentially stir up strong emotions or traumatic past experiences. I’m less offended now, and try to teach others open-mindedness, and encourage others to do so as well.

Although this seems overwhelming to experience, somehow I survived. Many people wake up each day and experience multiple traumas, and I keep asking myself, “How? How do you they do it?” Then I ask myself, “How am I doing it?” My first thought was, “I have no idea,” but the longer I thought about it, the more the answers became clear.

Throughout my former relationship and separation, my ex and I did long-term, extensive marriage and individual therapy. It was very helpful, but it only tapped into our psychological behaviors and our childhood experiences. After several years, of struggling, a decision was made, and we parted ways. I continued to see a therapist, but just felt like I was spinning in circles. She offered techniques, books, and poems to help me put my experience into words, but I still felt like something was missing. I walked away from each session wondering if this was what I needed.

Around this time a colleague explained how his friend just started Life Coaching, and he thought we’d really connect. I was very intrigued and thought that this may be exactly what I need. I called her, and we had instant chemistry, as if our worlds aligned. She provided a sense of encouragement that my therapist could not. I stopped going to therapy and started speaking with Morgan Northway each week. I quickly saw a change in my attitude, behavior, and confidence. She was and is my life encourager. She had a plethora of books, meditations, words of wisdom to offer, and most importantly, that she practices herself. We connected through both being raised in the mid-west but being Southern California transplants, and constantly feeling the pull home, especially when family circumstances are challenging. She understood me. She helped guide me in the darkest times of my life (or so I thought at the time). Just when I thought it couldn’t get darker, I learned my niece had cancer, who lives five states away. But I knew I can get through this because I have a life encourager, I have Morgan.

A Life Coach, in my experience, will not judge you or give up on you. I believe that I’ve made it through the ups and downs, because at the end of the day, my life coach holds me accountable to what I’d like to accomplish. My life coach helps me to discover my best self, because she cares. She teaches me to breathe, knowing that no matter what, I can rely on my spiritual beliefs and developed skills to get through anything.

Here is my perspective on the differences between a Life Coach and a Therapist:

1. If you have a support deficit, Life Coach’s help take the burden off your few close friends (especially when you have multiple traumas happening at once), and therapists aren’t as able to reciprocate personal experiences because of the professional standards, making it harder to speak from an empathetic place.

2. You are the driver for what you want, and your Life Coach helps you reach your goals, while holding you accountable to the steps along the way. In my therapist experiences, the focus is on past relationships, and environments, to help you understand why you made the decisions and how to make healthier decisions moving forward. I appreciate this but also want to learn how to be and live in the present more, making decisions from a calm and empowered place, especially in the midst of chaos.

3. The biggest difference is encouragement. Often times, Morgan will remind me of how far I’ve come. How much progress I’ve made in accomplishing my goals. I’ve only experienced this with 1 out of 3 therapists, and I’ve learned that it’s something I need and value.

I encourage you to find out if a Life Coach is what you need. Whether it’s therapy or life coaching or something else, empower yourself to get the guidance you desire or need.