Appreciation from others is a vital part of feeling like your efforts are meaningful – no matter what the outcome of said efforts. It’s natural to be keen to spread good vibes by appreciating those around us.

Our ability to appreciate each other is limitless – isn’t it?

What is appreciation burnout?

The concept of burnout might feel relatively contemporary, but it has roots in early psychology. The term was coined in the 1970s by American psychologist Herbert Freudenberger, who described the consequences of severe stress and high ideals in ‘helping’ professions; emergency doctors, firefighters, ambulance crews, and similar high-stress jobs.

As we’ve collectively moved towards various forms of ‘hustle’ culture, burnout has become a common experience across more and more industries.

Appreciation burnout is a bit of a sidestep from mainstream burnout, but overspending of energy categorizes both.

Appreciation burnout is when we invest a significant portion of our time and energy into focusing on celebrating, motivating, and encouraging others. We forget to leave something over for ourselves. It’s a term that’s starting to crop up more within organizational psychology, but it applies more generally across our lives.

This is especially true in a digital-heavy world where we are faced with constant streams of content from hundreds of people. We all want to feel connected and supportive, but there has to be a line somewhere – appreciating every single thing about every single person you interact with on and offline is going to take its toll without some positive boundaries.

Four signs of appreciation burnout

It might sound a little counterintuitive. After all, gratitude and appreciation for the good stuff – and people – in life are well known as an antidote to burnout and feeling low.

As with much in life, it’s all about balance.

You’ve probably heard about ‘toxic positivity’? It’s kind of the same deal. Here are three signs of appreciation burnout to look out for:

• Your appreciation starts to feel inauthentic.

Something that makes appreciation so powerful is its authenticity. Without that, it’s pretty meaningless. It might be time for a break if you’re offering words of appreciation, posts of gratitude, or cheerleading others without feeling good about it. Inauthenticity will start, but you’ll also feel exhausted by the effort. Worse, over time, you may resent spending your energy on this.

• You’re not feeling a lot of reciprocation.

The purpose of appreciation and gratitude is not to receive something back – it’s about offering genuine sentiments. That said, if you’re the one giving all of your time and energy to others and not feeling valued or appreciated in return, it will quickly lead to burnout. 

• You can’t remember the last time you celebrated your achievements.

You can’t pour from an empty cup, as they say, and if you’re so focused on ensuring everyone around you is complete, what time and space are you leaving for yourself? Feeling appreciated is nice, but it comes from internal acknowledgment and external. 

• ‘Forgetting’ to appreciate someone is starting to make you feel anxious.

We all have full lives with a lot going on. Keeping track of what everyone is up to can feel overwhelming! The immediacy of our digitally focused days can lead us to think we have to be on it all the time. If forgetting or being delayed in offering thanks, appreciation, or gratitude to someone is causing you to feel anxious or think negatively about yourself and your interactions with others, it could signify appreciation burnout.

5 steps to counter appreciation burnout

Appreciation has a substantial role to play in our lives, which is why we must ensure we get the balance right.

If you identify with any of the signs above, it’s time to take a step back and reassess the role of appreciation in your life. Here are five steps to help you find a better balance:

1. Firstly, take a little break – especially if appreciation is starting to make you feel anxious. Take some time out to reset and rethink the role of gratitude in your life.
2. Next, revisit what authentic appreciation means to you – When we express genuine appreciation we do not just recognize someone’s accomplishments, but the impact actions have collectively and individually.
3. Ask yourself ‘why’ – are you offering appreciation with an ulterior motive? Are you secretly hoping for reciprocation or looking to bank some brownie points for a later date? If so, step away. Re-evaluate the role of appreciation.
4. Know that there’s not always a need for immediacy with authentic appreciation – Coming back to someone to offer genuine words of gratitude after a brief time will feel better for everyone involved, rather than rushing or forcing your appreciation and having it fall a bit flat.
5. Dedicate time to self-appreciating – Don’t forget to give yourself a pat on the back now and then. Being your own biggest cheerleader and feeling proud of your achievements creates a well of self-value without the need for external validation. This also helps set you up to continue offering positive, authentic appreciation to others – because you know the energy that sits behind what they’re trying to achieve.

Find the joy in appreciation

For me, the most significant sign that appreciation burnout might be getting the better of me is when I find myself cringing at the appreciation or gratitude I try to offer.

That’s when I know I’m not being authentic – and it doesn’t mean I’m not genuinely appreciative, but I’m falling flat on being able to offer my thoughts in a way that promotes the good about appreciation.

Appreciation should be a joyful act – for everyone involved in the process – we should all walk away feeling a little lighter and a little brighter.

If you’re finding the act of appreciation is more drag than joy, consider whether burnout is taking over and work on getting back to some balance.

Something I’ve been trying to get better at in recent years, especially as a freelancer, is figuring out what the right things are; the ones that work for my personal and professional growth.

One of the ways I’m doing this is by conducting a Quarterly Life Review. As we reach the end of the first quarter of 2022, now might be the perfect time for you to see how this might work for you too.

What is a quarterly life review?

The idea of conducting life reviews was first introduced by pioneering psychiatrist Robert Butler. In his work, Butler was concerned about the rising levels of depression he was diagnosing in aging clients.

Believing a sense of aimlessness and lack of control over past events and how they could marry these into their present was to blame, Butler developed a process called the life review. He saw life reviews as a way for his clients to rediscover the purposes they’d held earlier in their life, to help them affirm their values and purpose in the present.

A life review is an excellent way of reframing past experiences and events in ways that can help you move past them and refocus on what’s important to you. As purpose researcher William Damon advises:

“A life review is for reconstructing the past in a manner that can provide personal benefits that many of us need.”

But we don’t need to wait until we’re older to reap the benefits of a life review.

A quarterly life review takes this initial idea and condenses it down to be used on a more regular basis – every three months – so you can spend some dedicated time exploring:

• Where you’re spending your energy
• What events, experiences, or situations you might need to revisit and process
• What’s giving you purpose

I’ve started expanding my review to also include:

• What actions and activities are helping me grow
• What’s barriers (internal or external) are holding me back
• How I’m actively replenishing my energy reserves in the ways that best support me and my lifestyle

What a Quarterly Life Review Is Not

A quarterly life review should not evaluate where you feel like you might be failing or be used as a comparative tool to measure yourself against others and how they’re living their lives.

The review should focus purely on you and where you’re at. It’s a great way of acknowledging how some experiences may have inadvertently stopped us from progressing.

4 steps to help you get started

The questions posed above are good starting points. It’s a great idea to book some time in for yourself to conduct your review – but it should also start before you sit down.

Here are some ways I set myself up throughout the months, ready to conduct a quarterly life review:

1. Keep a ‘little wins’ list.

I love how Robin Sharma breaks this down as:

“Five little wins each day equals 150 wins in one month, equals 1800 wins in one year.”

Little wins are the activities and successes throughout the month that give you that little life high. Creating this list throughout the quarter will provide you with a significant amount of data to review and reflect on.

From the list, you might be draw themes that could point you further towards a core purpose you might not yet be tapping into fully. Whether one a day or once a week – keep a note of those little wins.

2. Keep a ‘little mishaps’ list.

Similar to a ‘Little Wins’ list, a ‘Little Mishaps’ list can help you reflect on areas where things may not have entirely gone to plan.

Focus on utilizing a growth mindset with this inclusion, remembering that every small failure, rejection, ‘thing gone wrong,’ or misstep can be beautiful avenues to explore to keep growing and improving.

When reflecting on this list as part of your review, consider why you felt it was a mishap, what was in your control and what wasn’t, and how you might learn from this in the future.

3. Journal through the hard stuff.

The thing I love most about journaling is that it is not about having the answer. It’s a form of processing your experiences, thoughts, and feelings without focusing on the outcome. I like to think of it as an active meditation process – you’re allowing thoughts and emotions to move through you and expelling them onto the page.

While I journal every day, I use a little symbol on the entries where I work through some of the tougher stuff of life. When I conduct a review, I revisit these pages to see what other insights have been gleaned through a bit of distance or if there’s anything I need to unpack further.

4. Make it a ritual.

Ritual has such a vital place in our daily lives and yet so many of us aren’t tapping into this mental superpower.

When I say make it a ritual, I don’t simply mean committing to the review every quarter. Making it a ritual can involve a series of small steps that helps to signify this is an important part of your personal growth. To make it a ritual you might:

• Find a favorite coffee shop spot to work through your notes and review.
• Set a calming scene by lighting a favorite candle, and putting on your music of choice.
• Start and end your review with a short meditation practice.

Rituals can be whatever you make it – it’s a way of establishing this process in your ongoing routine.

Make this quarterly life review your own

And lastly, my biggest tip is to make your quarterly review your own. This is all about you and establishing where you’re going and how you’re getting there. It’s not about passing judgment or beating yourself up about where you think you didn’t measure up in some way.

Butler believed life reviews promote “intellectual and personal growth, and wisdom” throughout our lives.

A quarterly life review can help to draw us back to our center and remind us of what purpose might look like across our various life domains, so we can keep finding the connections and moving forward.

I was working with creative media students, so we focused on showcasing the breadth of different opportunities and potential career paths that exist in industries like animation, music, film, design, and games development.

One of the professionals I bought in to do a talk was primarily a graphic designer, but she handed out a piece of advice that was incredibly relevant. Not only for my students, entering an often shakey field of work built on the gig economy, but for anyone trying to grow within the modern world of careers.

She posed her advice as a question:

When it comes to your career, are you going to be a pancake or a tree?

My students laughed. A pancake? A tree? What the hell was this about? The designers and animators in the room were quick to quip that they wanted to be neither; they wanted to be creatives.

Our guest speaker took it all in her stride and went on to explain the difference between the two – and it was a real lightbulb moment for me in how we can think about our careers, skills, and abilities.

The Pancake Careerist

The more technical term for this might be a specialist. These are people who pick a niche within their chosen field and then cover it with ever-increasing expertise.

They spread themselves out evenly — like a pancake — over their chosen niche, and that’s where they stay, growing as a professional in one, maybe two, core areas.

The Tree Careerist

You might also refer to this as a generalist, but I felt it was a bit more specific.

A tree is someone who has one core pillar — a trunk — of skills and expertise. Feeding off from this pillar are a few branches that are linked to their core expertise but utilize their skills in different ways.

This creates varying income streams for the individual and means they can market themselves across different industries when they need to.

Growing as a tree

After listening to that talk, I realized I had definitely been a pancake for most of my professional career. I focused on building my experience and knowledge only within the area of careers education, and I only sought roles that aligned with this.

The truth? I was getting fidgety. I’ve written about this a number of times, about how I loved my job and industry, but I didn’t always feel like it loved me back. I struggled to feel fulfilled professionally in the ways I needed more as I grew older.

At the time, I was already doing some writing on the side and thinking about different ways I could grow as a professional, but I always got stuck back into the things that were more closely related to my professional role within careers education.

That talk actually became the catalyst that helped to begin exploring and growing more branches on the tree I’d made for myself.

I’ve never looked back.

The great thing about growing a career tree is that you get to decide what works for you. You can begin to develop a branch, change your mind, decide it’s not right for you, and change direction. And it doesn’t matter because you’ve got your core trunk of skills that you can keep relying on and coming back to, no matter what.

Turning my career pancake into a career tree helped me realize that spending more time on the other things I was becoming increasingly interested in as a professional didn’t remove all the hard work I’d already done. It would always be there, and I could always come back to it whenever I needed to.

So, are you a pancake or a tree?

It’s important to note that neither one nor the other is better or worse, but it’s a great question to reflect on.

Knowing how you want to grow as a professional can help you set the pace for your immediate and future career path, as well as determine the types of goals, aims, and values you should be setting for yourself.

Having a pancake career can be beneficial, as you’ll always know what you’re doing and where you’re heading. I find that professional fields — like medicine or law — are suited to pancake-style careers. There are set structures for the qualifications, accreditations, and steps forward that you can follow and keep growing as a professional.

Tree careers may be more suited to those pursuing freelance or gig economy-type roles, where you may need to have a few extra branches out in the foray to keep growing. For now, a tree career is suiting me well as I continue to explore the things I’m interested in and how I can make them work for me as a professional.

Each has its pros and cons and deciding which pathway will work better for you as you grow your career can help assist with a range of career planning and how you approach professional development overall.

So, ask yourself, are you a pancake or a tree? And, more importantly, which one would you like to be?

Hm. Now I’m definitely craving pancakes.

I also like to make lists of the various things I want to get around to; coffee shops to visit, lyrics I want to remember, story ideas, and things to circle back to when I get a chance.

Lists don’t just inform the things we think we should be doing or getting around to; lists portray our intentions and expectations, and beyond this, our anxieties and self-criticisms.

With lists forming such a vital part of many of our days, how can we use them more effectively and productively to help us achieve our goals instead of simply being a place-holder for them?

Transmuting Our Goals to Paper

Lists of all kinds have their benefits and drawbacks. Psychologists, the ever-curious folk they are, have sought to uncover the how and why of list-making and its role across our broader psychological functioning.

Let’s take a look at the humble To-Do list for starters. We’re taught from a young school-age when things feel overwhelming, or we have a lot to get done, the solution is simple; create a To-Do list.

Psychologists have found that this is pretty sage advice. We’re hardwired to function better when we have a plan.

In the 1920s, Zeigarnik found that people recall finished tasks more accurately than unfinished ones. In their creatively titled research paper, Consider it done! Plan making can eliminate the cognitive effects of unfulfilled goals, psychologists Baumeister and Masicampo (2011) built on previous research from Russian psychologist Bluma Zeigarnik.

Baumeister and Masicampo wanted to explore why this happens and what factors influence a finished or unfinished task. They found that:

• People perform better at a task once they create a concrete plan for completing it.
• Breaking a task down into a list of smaller steps made them more likely to finish the task.

Essentially, when we plan out our tasks, we’re more likely to work through them to completion and avoid becoming side-tracked as we know that each task will be given its own time to work on in due course.

Which sounds wonderfully simple, albeit a tad optimistic. As anyone anywhere who has ever written a To-Do list will know – it’s never that simple. But this research does provide great insight into why taking a goal, breaking it down, and writing out how we’re going to achieve it can really motivate us to get it done.

Rethinking the Role of Lists for Goal Achievement

While I might like to dedicate a portion of my morning to developing a clear To-Do list for the day, my enlightened morning ritual rarely makes it past midday.

Sometimes even the most articulate list of tasks and goals never gets finished as procrastination kicks in, and we somehow manage to find any number of suitably ‘important’ but relatively non-essential activities to get stuck into.

Some days we have to accept that lists aren’t the answer – or not in the way we might currently be thinking about them.

The current #hustle culture often applauds and promotes collecting accolades and projects, but it doesn’t allow breathing room to stop and ask the questions:

• Are these the right accolades and projects I should be doing? 

• How do these things add real value to my life? 

• Does being involved with them keep me 100 percent engaged? Do they consume me while I’m doing them, or does a part of me die inside when I see it on the list?

Henry David Thoreau advises that we keep our accounts on our thumbnail – the shorter, the better. Rethinking the role of lists in supporting us to achieve goals means turning a focus to quality over quantity.

We often overestimate what we can accomplish in a day and underestimate what we can achieve in a week, month or year. This longer-term view on our lists could be the answer to real progress.

Jim Collins, educator and author, details a turning point for him when one of his graduate professors asked him to reflect on a common query. In a post for the USA Today, he explains:

“Suppose you woke up tomorrow and received two phone calls. The first call tells you that you’ve inherited $20 million. The second tells you that you have a terminal disease with no more than ten years to live. What would you do differently, and what would you stop doing?”

Through this task, Collins made a complete reassessment of where he was at, what he was giving his time and energy to, and what he would rather be doing. He describes this as a pivotal moment in changing the way he approached his work and his entire career trajectory. Instead of a To-Do list – he created a Stop Doing List.

To start curating your Stop-Doing list, Collins suggests asking the following:

• What are you deeply passionate about?

• What activities do you feel just “made to do”?

• What makes economic sense? 

• What can you make a living doing?

Your real goal list for life begins at the intersection of these questions.

When we reframe how lists can influence us to make changes and be productive, we can see how we might use them to motivate us towards the more significant changes we want to make in life.

Now, instead of simply writing out a list of tasks for the day while I drink my morning coffee, I’m thinking of just one thing I want to focus on that will lead to me achieving the goals I want for my life. It might be something I need to do, but it might also be something I need to stop doing.

I’m hoping that over the course of this year, it will slowly help me finally reach some of those more challenging goals that have been on my list for awhile but never seemed to get anywhere.

Sara Kuburic, MA, CCC, also known as @millennial.therapist, advises that gaslighting can be experienced in many contexts and look like:

1. Ignoring your needs/boundaries in an effort to prove yourself.
2. Feeling incompetent and like a failure. 
3. Inconsistent words and actions from the gaslighter.
4. Feeling confused about what you are expected to do.
5. Receiving contradictory feedback. 
6. Negative reactions when you try to assert boundaries. 

I’ve personally experienced gaslighting in the workplace and a couple of my past relationships. It really is a tumultuous experience to wrap your head around and untangle from. Generally, it’s only once you’ve managed to get some distance that you start to realize how impactful and toxic the behavior is.

Many depictions of gaslighting in the media and most psychological research are centered on the core idea that gaslighting is externalized – meaning it’s something someone does to others or has done to them by another person.

An aspect of gaslighting less spoken about is the concept of self-gaslighting, the process of internalizing this deeply problematic behavioral approach to the ways we talk and think about ourselves.

The more I’ve read about this, the more I’ve discovered it’s a behavior that I – and many people I know – struggle with.

What is self-gaslighting?

Just as when someone else might gaslight you, self-gaslighting is when you deny your own experiences, feelings, emotions, or reality. 

It can begin as simple doubts over how you reacted or responded to a scenario and escalate to darker thinking about your value and purpose in the world. 

Self-gaslighting becomes the process of questioning everything you do, think, or say, constantly feeling uncertain of who you are and how you’re experiencing the world. 

Self-gaslighting can be a lingering byproduct of having been gaslit in previous relationships, as it takes time to rebuild trust in the reality of our worldview and perceptions. 

But you don’t necessarily need to have experienced externalized gaslighting to fall victim to self-gaslighting. It can simply be something you’ve learned to do over time, never questioning how you talk to or think about yourself in these unhealthy ways.

5 self-gaslighting phrases you might be using

Rachel Otis is a Somatic Therapist based in California who believes in the power of the mind-body connection for healing. In her work, she’s supported clients who have experienced gaslighting – both externally and internally – helping them recognize their experiences to overcome them fully.

She provides the following examples for what self-gaslighting can look and sound like:

“I am too dramatic, emotional, sensitive, and crazy.”

This phrase relates to the ways we think about our emotional reactions. Thinking that expressing or feeling an intense emotion is ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ is a core sign of self-gaslighting.

“Maybe it’s all just in my head!?”

Self-gaslighting is categorized by doubt and uncertainty. Many of us often go through an emotional experience, only to dismiss or undermine its impact or severity. This phrase is a classic ‘sweep it under the rug’ thought that only serves to downplay your lived experiences.

“I am not enough. There’s something wrong with me.”

Whether it’s imposter syndrome, being passed over for a promotion at work, or being ghosted by your latest crush, it’s easy to see these experiences as being caused by a lack in ourselves. Although it’s good to question our role in certain experiences, there’s also an array of details that have nothing to do with us.

“It’s all my fault anyway.”

If you’re someone who readily takes the blame, believing they’re at fault anytime something goes wrong, despite there being other parties involved, you may be experiencing self-gaslighting. Yes, in some scenarios, we are at fault, but not all the time. Taking ownership is essential but not for the failures of others.

“I love them, so I should just do what they ask.”

Standing up for ourselves in our personal relationships can be difficult if we’re prone to self-gaslighting. Thinking or feeling that loving someone means you shouldn’t have a voice or express the gamut of your emotions can have a longer-term negative impact on how you view yourself and your worth within the relationship.

How can you overcome self-gaslighting?

The first step to overcoming self-gaslighting is coming to terms with the idea that this is something you are enacting upon yourself and accepting that you’ve been doing this.

It can be challenging to admit we may have been acting in ways that could be causing us harm or further trauma, but our minds are complex. Sometimes we act in ways that can prove harmful in the long term because the behaviors were, at some point, a way of protecting ourselves.

Once we can acknowledge this is something we’ve been doing, the next crucial step is to thank our minds and bodies for the work they’ve been doing to protect us so far – even if it was harmful. To help build better self-understanding, you can explore the questions:

• How has self-gaslighting served me in the past?
• How has self-gaslighting helped me cope?
• Why has self-gaslighting become something I turn to?
• Why does self-gaslighting no longer serve me in my present and future?
• Who can I be without self-gaslighting dominating my thoughts?

Otis advises the subsequent work involves revalidating who we are, what we feel, and how we experience our lives. She says positive affirmations can help to counteract some of the self-gaslighting phrases we may have been using and offers the following as a starting point:

“My emotions are valid, and I have the right to express them.” 

This may feel odd or false at first, and it’s essential to allow yourself to be curious about the feelings this affirmation may evoke without judgment or criticism. 

Otis also says to explore the connection with your body as you work through this process, acknowledging where the phrases of your self-gaslighting are most deeply felt and easing your way through what you feel without judgment. Release the emotional and physical sensations as you process this new understanding and connection with yourself that you’re establishing.

While self-gaslighting may have served to protect you in the past, and it may have even become a comfort, a way of steering away from other fearful or traumatic thoughts, this behavior cannot serve you in the long term.

Create space to begin proactively letting go of this behavior, honoring its role in your life up until this point, as you start to move forward with a new, balanced and positive relationship with yourself, your thoughts, and your emotions.

Since then, I’ve regularly made time to take breaks away from existing online.

This year has been more difficult than ever. Working online, socializing online, navigating lockdowns and shut-ins, and removing pretty much any form of contacting those I care about without using digital has been impossible. 

I managed to take one month off completely from things like social media in previous years, but it hasn’t felt possible this year. So, instead of a complete detox, I’ve been thinking about how to invite more digital minimalism into my life.

Digital detox versus digital minimalism: what’s the difference?

If you didn’t feel it before the pandemic, you’ve probably had a few instances in the past year where you just felt done with living through a screen.

The American Psychological Association conducts the Stress in America survey annually. In 2020, one-fifth of adult Americans stated that technology is a significant source of stress in their life.

It adds up from checking work emails out of hours, maintaining social media, reading the news, responding to the messages, and group chats. It quickly consumes our days when we don’t consciously consider how much time we’re glued to screens.

Digital detoxes and digital minimalism can help, but there’s a difference between how to apply them:

1. Digital detox: A digital detox involves taking a complete digital, technology, and screen-free break for a set amount of time. It’s about reducing your attachment to screens down to the bare minimum. A digital detox could be a few hours, a few days, a week, or a month. It’s a great reset to break the impulsive itch we all have to keep checking our phones.

2. Digital minimalism: Digital minimalism takes the idea of a digital detox but applies it more broadly across your day-to-day. Inviting digital minimalism into your life requires a more thoughtful process as you reflect on the role of technology and assess how it’s adding or removing value. It’s about asking yourself the questions behind why you might be turning to your devices and what else you could be doing that would better aid your life, emotional health, and sense of balance. 

Three ways to start adding digital minimalism into your life

Cal Newport, author of Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World, has this to say about pursuing digital minimalism in our lives:

“Digital minimalism is a philosophy that helps you question what digital communication tools (and behaviors surrounding these tools) add the most value to your life. It is motivated by the belief that intentionally and aggressively clearing away low-value digital noise and optimizing your use of the tools that matter can significantly improve your life.”

I’m a big fan of clearing away clutter and the headspace it creates. When I feel like I’m not achieving goals in other areas of my life, returning to the space I’m deliberately creating and curating to accomplish those goals can help me remove roadblocks.

Thinking about how I use digital tools and engage digitally is no exception. Here are three ways to add more digital minimalism into your life in 2022:

1. Start with where you find value. 

This involves re-examining what the various digital spaces in your life are there for and if they’re offering you value. Everything online has something to offer, but with so much out there, we must make sure we’re cultivating the things that provide our worth as individuals. 

One example for me has been LinkedIn. I used to check it every day, but I realized this was more out of habit than getting value from using the platform – it hasn’t been offering me much in return for the time and energy I put into it. 

There are other platforms where I put in similar energy but get more back in terms of professional value. So, I’ve deleted the app and signed out of the site on my browser – it doesn’t need any more of my time right now.

2. Remove all the clutter.

I have a gazillion photos of my dachshund sleeping and generally looking cute AF. My desktop is littered with screenshots, half-finished documents, and research materials for old projects. I receive at least a dozen emails a day from outlets I’m no longer interested in.

We often put off tidying up these things because it takes energy, but going back to my point about how consciously creating and curating space for clarity can lead to great things – tidying up this virtual clutter can be impactful.

I’m popping two hours in my calendar a week and dedicating them purposefully to having a digital clutter clearout – starting with my email inbox!

3. Ask ‘does it spark joy?’

Marie Kondo got this question into our collective dialogue, and while many of us applied it to our kitchen cupboards and wardrobes, we didn’t do the same with our digital possessions. 

I like how Cal Newport advises us to be wary of digital tools that say they solve a problem that didn’t exist before the tool. He gives examples of how GPS and Google help to solve problems, but Snapchat does not.

Moving ahead, before I download, purchase, or get involved in any new digital thing, I’m asking the questions: Does this solve a problem I have? Does it spark joy? Is it going to help me achieve my goals?

Achieving our goals with digital minimalism

Something I’ve been increasingly aware of this past year is how unconscious I’ve become again about how much technology and my digital life have taken over my day.

When we’re not conscious about our digital use, it quickly eats up an incredible amount of our time. Our time is the most significant resource we have. How we spend it ultimately makes the difference between whether we achieve the things we want in life – or not.

Digital minimalism can go some way in helping us to recoup the time we need to uncover the purposeful, value-led lives we all deserve.

The time I used to spend putting together the perfect outfit for the office is now spent throwing on the same yoga pants and oversized jumper I wore yesterday.

I’ve recently seen my wardrobe of coveted clothing and lament the fact I never really get ‘dressed’ anymore. 

There have been plenty of reasons to feel lethargic in the past two years, but I wondered whether the loss of this part of my identity – the part that used to love getting dressed in the morning – was partly connected to my ongoing low moods.

Seeking to understand this further, I began researching the concept of fashion and identity and came across some interesting results. Not least, the idea of dopamine dressing.

What is dopamine dressing?

Dopamine dressing isn’t a new concept. It’s been talked about for a few years now, but it’s still worth revisiting.

The basis is simple: when we wear clothing that makes us feel happy or joyful, it automatically boosts our mood – our dopamine – and we genuinely feel more positive. 

But this doesn’t just mean wearing yellow or orange or some other bold, bright color. If those colors don’t bring you joy, they will have the opposite effect on your mood!

Dopamine dressing is about finding clothing that speaks to your innate sense of happiness. Color is a part of this, but only if color makes you happy. If you equally find joy in an exquisitely cut black silk shirt, a dream vintage dress, or a pair of high-waisted jeans that accentuate what your mama gave you – that counts too.

The idea of dopamine dressing hit home for me when I discovered Lucy Litman on Instagram. Litman has an enviable wardrobe of fun, iconic pieces that she regularly plays with and showcases on her feed. One of my favorite series she does is using household items – like wine bottles or cheese – to base her outfit ideas on. It’s a little bit eccentric and outrageously fun! 

Seeing how much delight Litman gets from her fashion escapades is a fresh dopamine hit!

Is there any science behind it?

Dopamine dressing might sound a little pseudo-psychology, but there’s real merit to using the way we dress to boost and influence our mood.

Color therapy dates back to ancient Egypt and has already been implemented across other design sectors such as interior and environmental design. Color theory is huge within the art world and implemented in various creative outputs, including film and theatre, to create a certain mood or audience reaction.

Dopamine is one of the so-called ‘happy hormones,’ and research has shown that we feel down when we have low dopamine levels. When we do things that boost our dopamine levels, we feel more confident, empowered, happy, and productive.

Professor Karen Pine, a UK-based developmental psychologist who has focused some of her research on fashion psychology, investigated dopamine dressing in a 2012 study. She found that their perceived confidence increased when participants wore clothes of symbolic value to them. 

She also found that when participants are experiencing a low mood, they tend to reach for clothes that match this mood (jeans and baggy tops being quite typical amongst women. 

Pine suggests that knowing how we dress and our mood are interconnected can help us to ‘hack’ our way to feeling more empowered through consciously choosing our clothes.

Five things I learned from trying dopamine dressing

With all this information stored safely in my brain, I decided to trial dopamine dressing for myself. 

It was a little more challenging than I initially expected, having not thought about how I dress for months!

After seven days, I began to notice some benefits:

1. Even tiny accessories can have a significant impact.

At first, I saw dopamine dressing as ‘the full outfit,’ but I realized it didn’t have to be. When my partner and I traveled before the pandemic, I tended to collect silk scarves from the various cities we visited. They’re in beautiful, bright prints, and I used them to tie my hair back. 

So, I started doing the same thing again while at home. 

Adding this simple piece to my outfits elevated my mood and took me back to all the little stalls and side-street stores where I found the scarves.

2. Comfort and dopamine can go hand-in-hand.

I’m unashamed to admit I’ve gained a few so-called COVID kilos, but while it hasn’t bothered me too much, it has limited some of my wardrobe options. Working from home all day also means I need to feel comfortable, and my yoga pants offer this. 

But instead of the same baggy t-shirts of woolly jumpers I’ve been living in, I’ve been reaching for a tailored shirt or a more fitted t-shirt with one of my (many) funky, tailored blazers. 

I’ve felt comfortable and confident – a double win!

3. It’s an excellent exercise for a wardrobe clearout.

Working through my wardrobe to find the pieces that offered the hit of dopamine I was coveting helped me to see my clothes in a new light. 

There were more than a few pieces I’ve been holding onto despite them not fitting or suiting me. Some of these pieces were simply reminders of a past version of me, one I no longer need to hold onto.

Having a fresh wardrobe clearout gave me a fresh wave of dopamine.

4. People definitely notice.

Feeling more confident meant I was content to have my camera on more during my daily Zoom meetings. 

I’ve received more compliments on some of my outfit choices, which has also helped to boost my mood. Not that we should dress for other people or secure compliments, but it’s not a bad thing!

5. Dopamine dressing doesn’t have to be limited to ourselves.

Taking the ethos that dopamine dressing is about dressing in ways that make you happy, I’ve found other ways to incorporate this into my day.

My dachshund pup is my trusty sidekick, and cheesy as it may sound, we have matching jumpers and a matching coat. I’ve received many eye-rolls about this, but you know what? It makes me happy, so I’ve been leaning into it more.

I’ve also been sneaking in a little bit of color matching; whether it’s my sneakers or scarf, whatever color harness he’s wearing, you can be sure that we’re finding ways to match.

How to dopamine dress for yourself

The great thing about dopamine dressing is there are no hard and fast rules – it’s all about what makes you happy.

My best advice is to find the intersection of comfort and joy – these are the pieces that you’ll feel great in. 

When you feel great, others pick up on your vibe, and it becomes a lovely self-perpetuating loop to keep those dopamine levels high.

Which sounds empowering and motivating on the surface, but dip just a teeny bit below, and it might leave you with more questions than answers; Should you be following suit? What would you do if you resigned? What is it you really want in life?

If answering that last question leaves you utterly stumped, confused, and even anxious, you’re not alone. For every person who seems to know what they want in life, there are a dozen more who have no clue. And the loud narrative around finding our purpose isn’t helping.

A recently coined term goes some way to help us understand the conflicting feeling of knowing we should pursue a purpose but having no idea what that purpose is: Purpose Anxiety.

What is Purpose Anxiety?

We’ve more than enough well-meaning life coaches and gurus across social media advocating that we should all be working to obtain our sense of purpose in life and answer the big questions that don’t seem to go away. As Mary Oliver rightly asked:

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

Answering the question is about more than knowing what you want to do for work. Research has shown a link between having a strong sense of purpose that you’re committed to and greater feelings of self-worth, meaning in life, and positive emotions. 

Our personal answer to the question of the purpose of our life matters.

But while finding purpose leads to a greater sense of wellbeing, research has been indicating that the search for meaning has the opposite effect. Daniel Goleman, a leading Emotional and Social Intelligence psychologist, author, and researcher, advises:

“The research shows that having a void when it comes to meaning in life, and so searching for a purpose, accompanies the loss of cognitive and physical abilities as people age. Such “purpose anxiety” has been a topic of research and reflection for some time now. The term encapsulates the doubt and distress many people feel when they’re struggling to discover a sense of meaning, including understanding how and where they can make a meaningful difference.”

In her research on the topic, Organizational Psychology researcher, Larissa Rainey, devised the following definition:

“Purpose anxiety can provisionally be defined as the negative emotions experienced in direct relation to the search for purpose.” 

Rainey explains how purpose anxiety can be experienced at two different stages:

1. While struggling to discover what your purpose might be.
2. While attempting to actively ‘live’ your purpose.

Feeling anxious about finding your purpose isn’t uncommon. In her study on purpose anxiety, Rainey found a massive 91% of participants reported experiencing purpose anxiety at some point in their life.

How do you know if you’re stuck in Purpose Anxiety?

Much like other forms of anxiety, purpose anxiety is experienced on a spectrum. Symptoms range from mild to severe and encompass emotions such as stress, worry, frustration, panic and fear, comparison anxiety, and generalized anxiety. 

Speaking from experience, I’ve definitely felt the tightening in my chest wondering what on Earth I’m doing with my life, whether I’m in the right job, and how I’m contributing to the world while utilizing my innate skills (no pressure whatsoever!).

Where Purpose Anxiety showed up in my life

Here are three ways I realized I was stuck in purpose anxiety:

1. Bouncing between jobs

After a year or so with one company, I’d begin to feel a familiar tug that I was in the ‘wrong’ place. Instead of speaking with management or finding ways to make my job more fulfilling, I’d simply move on. I thought that my career had to naturally ‘tick’ my purpose boxes without much input from me.

2. Making ALL the comparisons

It’s all too easy to get sucked into the highlight reels others present across social media and make harsh comparisons. I found myself feeling as though everyone else had their life together and was doing something meaningful while I was stuck wondering where my own life was headed exactly.

3. Dismissing progress

In the thick of feeling stuck, anxious, and like I wasn’t moving forward with a sense of purpose, a quote kept finding me. You may have heard this one too: “remember when you wanted to be where you are now.” I realized I was so focused on finding this elusive idea of a big meaningful life; I dismissed the steps I’d already taken towards living my goals in ways that felt more purposeful in small, organic ways.  

How can you move forward from Purpose Anxiety?

One of my most adored artists is Agnes Martin. When I look at her work, it seems obvious that painting and art were her purpose in life. So it was intriguing to discover a list she’d sent to Arnold Glimcher in 1980 for her biography of all the jobs she’d held before becoming an artist, including having worked as a tennis coach and at a hamburger stand.

Purpose, it seems, is no straight line.

Goleman asks a vital question: “How much [of our understanding of purpose] is rooted in a misunderstanding of what purpose is supposed to be or look like?”

While there are practical steps we can take towards living our purpose, I also think we need to reframe how we currently think about purpose within our lives. It doesn’t have to be some grand leap towards meaning. Purpose can be small, weaved into the fabric of our days, in ways we might not recognize if we only focus on the big picture stuff.

Instead of asking, what is my purpose in life, we can ask, what is my purpose today? What is one thing I can do in this moment to feel meaningful and authentic?

Over time, I believe we’ll find ourselves leaning into what purpose can look like at different levels on different days. And in so doing, truly live our own unique sense of purpose.